Keeping Up with the Kardashians: S09E03: "And All That Jazzzzzzz"
By Mark Abraham· Jan 28, 2014
Editorial Note, 1 June 2015
These recaps were written before Caitlyn Jenner came out, is the reason they use incorrect names and pronouns.
“And All That Jazzzzzzz” is all about aspirations and obstacles.
The Set-Up: In the previous episode, “How to Deal,” we learned that Kris Kardashian gets whims: to go to Sonoma with Creepy J, to eat french fries, to be obsessive about the spotlessness of her candy containers, and to have a candy bar at all. We learned that Scott is deeply insecure about his man-status and thinks that his life would be better if Kourtney just never a) asked him to do anything or b) asked about anything he does. We didn’t learn anything about Rob last time, but in this episode we learn that Rob wants to lose 60 lbs. So here’s where we start: Kris has a whim to be in a Broadway show, Scott wants to do the things he wants to do without telling Kourtney (because she’ll give him a lecture), and Rob wants to keep his bachelor pad and his stomach a cheese-free zone.
Khloé: Yeah right, Rob! I’ve got Baby Bells in my pockets.
…actually, we start with Kim, Khloé, and Rob discussing Special Guest Star Kanye West’s money shot, at which point Kim’s right breast starts to spontaneously lactate. Rob keeps saying, “that’s like me,” but I think he could try harder; there’s a much better joke in there somewhere. Like how there’s no way Special Guest Star Kanye West would agree that his sperm and Rob Kardashian’s sperm are the same at all.
So: Kris, Rob, and Scott are the protagonists in this episode. Kim, Khloé, and Kourtney are their respective antagonists. Bruce plays the role of Yoda, and Kathie Lee Gifford the voice of God. Also, Robot Kendall is around somewhere.
Kendall: MY JOB IS TO LOOK SAD WHEN ROB AND KHLOÉ FIGHT. HAVE I ACCOMPLISHED THE PARAMETERS OF THIS TASK PROFICIENTLY?
…very proficiently, yes.
The A-Plot: Kris goes to see Chicago in New York and gets welcomed backstage by a bunch of musical theater artists who I think have perhaps overestimated the effect being on this show might have on their career. After Kris expresses her desire to do what they do, one of them says, “Ohmygodtotallycome play with us!” Which is my least favorite theater expression ever.
Kendall: IS THAT A HUMAN “EVER”? OR THE INFINITE “EVER”? ARE YOU BEING FIGURATIVE OR LITERAL?
…that’s a robot “ever” if ever there was one. Least favorite theater expression EVER.
Kris, who is “on break” from Kris (she even says it wasn’t cancelled when Kourtney asks, which I guess is positive spin on “not picked up for a full season”), decides that she should audition for a Broadway show in her spare time. She hires vocal coach Bob Garrett and choreographer Spencer Liff to train her—like, actual professionals—and…she’s not atrocious? I mean, let’s be clear: she’s not good, and any job she got on Broadway would be a favor to her agent, but, yeah: Kris Kardashian is fine enough at singing “All That Jazz.”
Of course, when she reveals this to Kim and Creepy J, the two of them just start mocking her. In particular, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Kim laugh so hard:
They’re harsh enough that Kris is a little abashed, but then she gets a motivational speech from Bruce, who tells her that true success can only happen when you push yourself outside of your comfort zone or something. He says this right after a confessional where he’s like, “Kris can’t do a Broadway show. Duh.” Which is why he’s such a great motivational speaker, right? Invigorated on Bruce flattery, Kris soldiers on. For about five minutes until she tries to do the whole routine with both Bob and Spencer present but can’t dance and sing at the same time. And then Kathy Lee Gifford tells Kris she’s being weird and foolish and she’s way too busy to do 9 shows a week.
Thank god for Kathy Lee Gifford, who tells Kris to “stay close to God.” So also “shut up Kathy Lee Gifford” I guess. Kris doesn’t need god; she needs boundaries.
The B-Plot: We learn that Khloé’s been living out of her car and presently in Kendall’s room because her house makes her sad. More importantly, we learn that Kourtney has either also become a vagabond or is having a sympathy bout of gypsyness:
Khloé doesn’t want to live with Kourtney—for unexplained reasons—and she doesn’t want to live in the Calabasas compound—because Kris/Kendall/Kylie/Kim/North/Nurse/Special Guest Star Kanye West—and while she doesn’t say it explicitly clearly she doesn’t want to live at Bruce’s house, so Rob offers her his guest room. Which is real nice, but Khloé fucks it up almost immediately by cooking big meals and buying candy and…whatever. Look: I know her life is falling apart and I know Rob’s a bit of a putz but come on: even Khloé’s not tone deaf enough to try and fuck over his diet so obviously:
…and so we get a bunch of Rob confessionals about how he moved out to be his own man and focus on his sock line and lose the weight, and how Khloé and Khloé’s takeout mac ‘n’ cheese isn’t really respecting that or him which, at least from what we see, seems absolutely true. And later, when Rob says his older sisters “look like idiots,” he’s right:
Except I don’t believe any of this story, so I don’t care. Rob resists the “temptation,” and Khloé moves out, and then back into her own house, which she acts like is filled with a billion ghosts. Thrilling.
The C-Plot: Scott is doing another appearance with his friend Chris, but he won’t admit it to Kourtney. We later learn this is because he doesn’t want her opinion on the subject. And since I’ve parsed this dynamic before, I’ll just repeat myself: if Scott would just go ahead and realize already that Kourtney loves being mischievous and all up in his business, he’d probably cope better. Of course, if he could just stick to one of his hobbies for more than a day, she’d probably let up a little.
Kourtney and Chris’s wife Nicole decide to go to Las Vegas and catch Scott and Chris at the event. Which they do, and it isn’t as funny as you might think, mostly because Scott takes it not as Kourtney being funny but rather as Kourtney trying to track his every move. Because Scott can’t help but see his relationship through the lens of commitment phobia, even though he keeps forgetting that he already committed.
…this wasn’t a very good episode. Can you tell?