Keeping Up with the Kardashians: S09E01: "Loving and Letting Go"

By Mark Abraham · Jan 24, 2014
Editorial Note, 1 June 2015

These recaps were written before Caitlyn Jenner came out, is the reason they use incorrect names and pronouns.

“Loving and Letting Go” is all about keeping together with the Kardashians because: fuck the media or something.

The Set-Up: In the previous episode, “A Very Merry Christmas,” one of the very dramatic changes the Kardashian family totally explained (F.Y.I., “explained” is Kim’s secret spy word for “unexplained,” ‘cause opposites make her giggle) was not the strange scheduling that led to them airing an episode in the usual Sunday slot and then another this past Monday as well. I didn’t know that, so I guess I’ll do “How to Deal” and “And All That Jazzzzzzz” next week, but thanks for that, E!, for already gumming up my mostly grudging decision to continue recapping this show.

Kris: Are you recapping it because I’m dating Ben Foster now?

Kim: Mooooooom! You can’t even keep your boyfriend’s name straight?

Kris: Oh, right. I meant Amber Heard!

Kim: Mooooooom!

Kris: Well, what the fuck is my boyfriend’s name then?

Ben Foster: I know you’re all laughing, but I checked with Celebrity, and I’m proud to confirm that I am slightly too good for any of the Kardashians.

Amber Heard: I found out that Johnny should actually be dating Brody.

Ben Flajnik: Ew.

El Lagarto: Oh, snap.

Johnny Depp: I am pretty grody.

Special Guest Star Kanye West: I once rhymed “Brody” with “grody” in a song. That means your love is for real. Like, not as for real as mine and Kim’s—

Kim: Our love uses all the animal parts!

Mercy, Dolce, Gabbana, Rocky, Bella, Bernard, & El Lagarto: (Eye rolls + ghost eye rolls.)

Bruce: Can you all keep it the fuck down? I’m trying to play with my remote control helicopters.

…where was I?

Mason, Penelope, & North: Granny and Grandpa are broken.

Yes. Let’s all think of the children, ‘kay?

The A-Plot: The lease is up on Malibu Man Cave 2, so finally, 21 episodes after this story began, real estate contracts, that cruelest of mistresses, finally forces Bruce and Kris’s hand. Of course, since we all know the two have been separated for months—even though they denied that Malibu Man Cave 1 was evidence of anything other than Bruce’s need for a ping pong hut, and Malibu Man Cave 2 was just because Kim and Special Guest Star Kanye West had arrived at the Calabasas compound with a baby and so many trunks of 1970s soul records that Bruce couldn’t even bear it—this episode just treats the separation as obvious, because one thing this show is not about is actually showing these people making and experiencing life-altering decisions. What this show is about, though, is showing these people making PR decisions after the fact, so Bruce Jenner and Kris Kardashian will have you know that they don’t need to define their shit for anybody! People don’t know when they’re on the outside. This is their lives, people! Leave them be!

In a series of endless scenes that are mostly sullen reaction shots Kris and Bruce reveal this to each other, to Kendall and Kylie, to the rest of the Kardashians, and then to the Kardashians and Jenners. The basic point Bruce and Kris keep hammering home is that nobody wants to get a divorce. So, like, tell me they aren’t just editing these episodes to seem ironic relative to the actual news, right? In this case that’s that Kris is dating a bachelor. Oops. I mean a Bachelor. Oops. I mean zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Bruce renews the lease on Malibu Man Cave 2, unfortunately making it just “Bruce’s house,” and the kids are left to make fun of their parents for being weird about it. At this point, it still seems like maybe we’re pretending Bruce and Kris are still, like, together? Khloé can’t help but I Told You So all over the place, which…lame. Also lame is Khloé taking out her Lamar-based frustration on Kris, biting her head off when Kris gets—probably justifiably—annoyed that Khloé still sees fit to act holier than thou about relationships when her own is such a fucking travesty. Which: yeah, Khloé.

Points also go to Kendall, who is upset that she’s going to lose the one thing she has over her more-famous older siblings which is her not being a child of divorce, so she starts angering about her parent’s limp explanation like she’s about 4-5 years younger than she actually is. Which is when Scott Disick, champion, enters the fray. He’s sitting in a room with two parents who have divorced 3 times between them and four Kardashian children who are all the children of one divorce, including his baby-mama who won’t marry him, his sister-in-law who’s about to get married for the third time, his other sister-in-law whose marriage is presently falling apart, and fucking Rob. All six of these people are like, “the fuck, Kendall? Why are you so upset?” It’s Scott Disick, riding the whitest of horses, who’s like, “uh…I think she’s upset ‘cause keeping your head above the bullshit in this room is fucking aggravating.” Yuh huh.

Later on, Bruce takes Kendall and Kylie golfing and yells at some paps. It’s a fairly long scene that mostly shows Bruce being bossy: to photographers, to his daughters and their golfing abilities, and to random young men whom he asks to confirm that nothing is sexier than golfing women. Truly a lesson for the ages, right?

Later than that, Kim calls a full Kardashian/Jenner meeting, concerned that Brandon and Brody aren’t doing enough to prevent rumors that they’re actually thrilled about the separation. (It’s also worth mentioning, I guess, that these meetings all seem like they’re happening farther apart than the episode would suggest, which makes sense seeing as it seems like they just never stopped filming this show since production started on season 8.) If you didn’t get the theme, here, by the way, NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FAMILY. Especially interesting, well-conceived story arcs.

The B-Plot: Khloé’s marriage is still having problems. Once again, the message here is that Khloé’s life is private and therefore she shouldn’t need to explain things. Which I would agree with, absolutely, if the dissolution of her marriage hadn’t been a primary plot in the previous six episodes. Either talk about it or don’t, but don’t talk endlessly about it without saying anything.

Khloé: People don’t know when they’re on the outside. This is my life!

Kourtney: People don’t know when they’re on the outside. This is Khloé’s life!

Scott: I am also on message.

I don’t really have anything else to say about this, so whatevs. Khloé’s dealing with [redacted], and it’s very hard. Next!

The C-Plot: I dunno. There’s a brief scene where Kim’s house isn’t finished yet but Kim herself is convinced that fairy magic and Kardashian willpower will make it whole in a couple of months, and also that giant pool she wants to build somewhere off in the yard. It’s not a house so much as a house skeleton. It’s not a pool so much as a nothing. Unfortunately, this isn’t Neverending Story, so who gives a shit about Nothing? Although Khloé does vaguely look like the Childlike Empress.

Atreyu & Bastion: And Scott kind of looks like Gmork.

Gmork Disick’s a fucking rock star, people. Figuratively. Literally he looks at the plans on Kim and Special Guest Star Kanye West’s wall and gets jealous that he is not a star because Kim and Special Guest Star Kanye West are pretty rich. Gmork Disick, servant of the Nothing’s more evil older brother, the Lotsofthings.

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