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Keeping Up with the Kardashians: S08E07: "Home Is Where Your Mom Is"

By Mark Abraham · Jul 16, 2013
Editorial Note, 1 June 2015

These recaps were written before Caitlyn Jenner came out, is the reason they use incorrect names and pronouns.

“Home Is Where Your Mom Is” is all about the ways loved ones support and fail you.

The Set-Up: In the previous episode, “Some Moms Just Wanna Have Fun,” Khloé and Kris went crazy with toilet paper and toothbrushes like Keeping Up with the Kardashians was some kind of weird fetish porn show, which incidentally it turns out is what Rob wants to do with his life: produce and market fetish porn shows. Serious question: is it ironic when the flagship product—this show—of the Kardashian empire presents the porn dreams of the family’s least impressive member as a joke when said empire was built on the back of a sex tape?

We find this out about Rob when Khloé is lightly but repeatedly slapping his face. He tells her to stop or he’s going to come on her face.

Mark, Kim, & Khloé: …

Rob: …what?

It’s simultaneously awesome and off-putting, ‘cause on one hand this show is less a show sometimes than it is a litany of the lengths Kardashians will go to in order to put incest on the table, but on the other hand: seriously? Seriously? I mean, I’m not entirely sure I can fully explain why I think there’s a difference between Kris laughing about Rob jerking off two weeks ago or the whole pineapple thing but normally these moments are on the Okay side of line. Let’s call it the Incest Line. This scenario is on the Blech side of the line, I think. Do you think that’s because:

A: Rob Kardashian just said he was going to come on his sister’s face, which is not just about sex organs but is actually about an act that can occur during sex?

B: Nobody ever tries to put a stop to sibling shenanigans with sperm, normally?

C: The creepy look on Rob’s face as he says it?

Khloé & Rob.

D: Rob is involved at all?

E: All of the above.

The answer is “E,” obvs, but “E” for “ew,” ‘cause: ew. You know “no homo”? Nobody should ever actually say that, but maybe the Kardashians should consider making “no incest” a thing. Like: “stop slapping me or I will come on your face (no incest).”

Anyways, Rob wants to start a porn company and mimes a blowjob on his energy drink bottle, except Khloé points out that Rob is a loser and a shitty business person so it’s probably not going to happen.

Khloé: I said it way nicer than that, though.

She shouldn’t have. Also: this stuff has no bearing on the rest of the episode. So…great.

The A-Plot: The renovations on Kim’s new mansion are going to take longer than expected. Like, 6 months longer. She frets and frowns, as if the spin-offs of this very show don’t constantly demonstrate all the damn time that Kardashians are perfectly capable of renting expensive hotel suites and mansions and living in them for several months. Which means all this housing faff is literally bullshit, which means I don’t care about this storyline at all.

As a sidenote, I’m sure Scott Disick would agree with me that the store Kris and Kim are shopping at as Kim reveals this news to her mother doesn’t look luxurious enough for the Kardashians. Like, when I actually feel like I, simple non-millionaire, can keep up with them? This show has a problem.

Anyways, the tension here is that Kris thinks the practical thing is for Kim to move into the Jenner compound, but Kim (with an assist from Kourtney) explains that she wants to do her own thing, what with the eventual arrival of North and all. There’s more to it, obvs, but Kim can’t really tell Kris that she doesn’t want to live under her domineering scrutiny—she bluntly calls her mother “psychotic” later in the episode—so instead she makes a bunch of excuses about how she can’t deal with Kris’s black bathrooms and black toilet paper, like the color will prevent her from freely using the facilities. There’s also some intimation that maybe Kim doesn’t want to force Special Guest Star Kanye West to live there either, but since his name is only mentioned a couple of times in this episode—and only in the B-Plot—it’s real confusing as to how or why he might make a difference. Like, when Kim says “more people” need to move in than just her she may just mean her 27 assistants. Who knows?

There’s also some fairly opaque stuff about how Kim wants a place in a gated community because of all of the paparazzi and how Kris is afraid Kim will end up isolated in Beverly Hills. It’s not that I’m interogating these concerns; it’s more that they’re presented as obvious conclusions everybody must consider when house hunting which, like, sorry for your rich people problems, Kardashians.

After looking at a few places Kim ultimately decides to acquiesce to her mother’s offer (and it’s definitely “acquiesce” and not “accept” in this instance, though Scott—as we’ll see in the B-Plot—would probably portmanteau that shit into “acquieccept”) and moves into the Jenner compound. Kris rubs her feet and suddenly Kim realizes her mother is awesome, so suddenly everybody is great! Yay?

The B-Plot: Kourtney is cleaning out her and Scott’s freezer, and it’s basically her pulling things out and Scott making fun of them, and man oh man do I wish “Scott and Kourtney clean out their freezer” had been the plot here.

Kourtney: Check out this bag of chicken wings!

Scott: I like to tape them to my body and pretend I have wings.

Kourtney: Ooh. A pie.

Scott: It’s a mincemeat pie. I got it to feel more oldtimey Lordly.

Kourtney: You know how you said that dessert I just found was shaped like a dildo?

Scott: Yeah. I said it was “ribbed for your pleasure.”

Kourtney: I just found the actual dildo I was trying to peg you with.

Rob: That’s probably enough freezer foreplay, guys. Let’s move this shoot to the bedroom!

Scott: You should totally star wipe that transition!

Unfortunately, Kim puts an end to the most interesting segment of this episode when she calls and wants help putting together a stroller. Scott volunteers, because Scott, it turns out, is as phenomenal a brother-in-law as he is shitty as a baby-daddy. We know this immediately because Kourtney goes cock-eyed when he trumpets his own stroller-building prowess to Kim, mocking him. Which…is what she does. It’s what Kourtney loves about Scott.

They argue, Kourtney telling Scott he doesn’t ever help her, to which he argues that their two kids are “so beautiful” because “of this spermicide I gave you.” Which mistake may very well explain why Kourtney got pregnant with Mason. Because Scott used his spermicide to prevent her impregnation. He’s a genius. He doesn’t know how words work.

There’s this weird thing in the middle of the episode where Scott goes to Kim’s house and gets bashful at her nude bike shorts and lies to Kourtney about helping Kim with the stroller and taking Kim to a CPR class and…nobody watching this believes that Kim and Scott are going to agree to some Kimdecent proposal so who cares? Also, Scott says “volumptious,” referring to Kim’s body. Of course, then he makes a kind of funny Brad Pitt joke about 20 seconds later (that only Pitt can get pre-made strollers with the babies already in them delivered to his house) and then another 20 seconds after that mocks Kim for using the phrase “variation on a skin tone” to describe the physiognomy of her unborn child while considering whether said skin tone will match the color of the fabric on the stroller they’ve just built. So…I guess make up all the words you want, Scott!

Kourtney is annoyed that Scott is spending all of this time helping Kim. I don’t really care, because a lot of the stakes here are confused by a lack of Special Guest Star Kanye West. Even if they just said he was out of town or something it would give Scott a reason to be doing all of these things. Instead, it just seems like Scott’s helping Kim since he’s got nothing better to do, except he’s got two kids and wife at home so…we know different? Or not? I don’t know what we know. Basically, either Scott does nothing at home ever and so Kourtney is right to be peeved, or Kourtney is totally overreacting. But there’s no way to tell, because nothing about Scott’s assistance or lack thereof at home is substantiated. I mean, I assume Kourtney’s right, but I don’t know that.

This all leads to a big blow out when Kourtney gets mad at Scott and Kim while everybody is moving Kim into Kris’s house at the end of the episode. Kris takes Scott and Kim’s side. Everybody is upset. Kourtney leaves. Scott goes home and smooths things over with Kourtney. Kourtney confessionals that it’s pretty cool that Scott helped Kim out.

Meh. Really, the most interesting part of this plot is that Scott wore a bunch of shirts I really liked. In his words, “these shirts are excellent sartorashion choosings.” Yes they are, Scott.

The C-Plot: Bruce Jenner, American Hero, wants to beat all of his children, biological and step, at ping pong. Well, really at everything, but the focus of his competitive urges in this paticular episode is ping pong. Super-unassuming Brandon has apparently inherited a competitive streak from his father, allowing him to come in third in a local ping pong competition. Bruce is concerned about his own manhood, which of course he is, and wants to challenge Brandon. Possibly to the death, but probably just at ping pong. It’s hard to tell with all the Botox.

Honestly, though? This story didn’t quite land for me, since I was super-distracted by the fact that Bruce is playing ping pong in the foyer of the Jenner compound with his older kids and later in his corner of the garage with Kylie, Kendall, and the $2500 ball machine he buys and not, as you might expect, at Malibu Man Cave. Y’know, the ping pong oasis that was such an important ping pong-adjacent plot point in the season premiere? That entertainment news shows put forward as evidence that there might be trouble in the Jenner’s marriage because Bruce was living elsewhere? Y’know, this one?

Anyways, this story starts with Bruce and his sons Brandon and Brody zooming down the PCH, with Bruce complaining that the highway has become more “congested” than it was when he was younger, which might as well be the phrase Bruce Jenner uses to describe his own damn aging body. It too is more congested, which his sons immediately prove by beating him in a race up this massive sand dune that apparently Bruce used to love to use as a prop in his endless mission to enhance the self-esteem of the sons he basically abandoned by kicking their asses in a similar race when they were young. In his words, he “killed them” in those races. Nice, Bruce. Nice. It’s an especially poetic choice of words since this time he barely even makes it to the bottom of the actually steep part of the hill and it looks like even that little jog is killing him.

Bruce is sad that his body isn’t the same body that won that decathlon medal back from the communists, folks. Brody is happy because beating his father in this race is “probably one of the highlights of” his life. So, uh, basically they’re both pretty sad.

Bruce decides to enter Brandon’s tournament after smack-talking his son a bit. Though you’ll notice that nobody says to anybody else that they’re going to come on the other’s face in this scene, so that’s nice. Bruce trains by being unable to get his daughters or his housekeeper Cruz to practice with him, forcing him to buy that ball machine. Brandon trains by hiring professional ping pong player Soo Yeon Lee to coach him. So of course he wins, or at least he comes in second (Bruce gets knocked out a match or two before, meaning we never get the Jenner/Jenner showdown the episode was seemingly leading up to).

In the end, while Bruce is sad that his body is slowly decaying he’s ultimately smugly happy that his amazingness lives on in his son. Because that’s how old men do, right? Having a Brandon is just like Bruce Jenner is still amazing! Consequently, the truth is that Bruce Jenner is still amazing. Because of his amazing spermicide that produces amazing sons.

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