We're the Millers.

c/o Jennifer Aniston Career Watch: We're the Millers (2013)

By Kimber Benton & Mary "Stormer" Phillips · Nov 21, 2013
Spoiler Warning!

Just FYI, this article contains material that might be considered spoilery based on our spoiler policy. In this instance, that includes discussion of stuff that is mostly boring.

Kimber: We watched We’re the Millers.

Stormer: More like we watched We’re the Last Gasp of Jason Sudeikis’s Career as a Leading Man. He’s so excellent. Who ever thought A Good Old Fashioned Orgy would be his masterpiece?

Kimber: Are you saying you didn’t enjoy this heartwarming tale of a jerkbag who hires a fake family to smuggle drugs and in so doing learns that he really loves his fake family and becomes a good dad or something?

Stormer: I enjoyed how supremely awful it was!

Kimber: I enjoyed how unfunny this comedy was. Like I’m a comedy masochist or something. That joke was about as funny and half-finished as most of the jokes in this comedy.

Stormer: It is pretty fascinating how dearthy the humor in this is, excepting the occasional scene featuring Nick Offerman and Kathyrn Hahn.

Kimber: …and even those are only mildly funny.

Stormer: This movie is like if somebody saw Breaking Bad and said, “Hey—that’s popular. We should make a comedy movie out of that!” Except instead of a high school chemistry teacher who turns into a drug dealer because of cancer they made the main character just a drug dealer. And a dick. And boring. And not really much of a character.

Kimber: …and they made Skyler a stripper. Which only matters for Yet Another Jennifer Aniston Is Still Sexy Scene that is apparently all she signs on to do movies for now.

Stormer: Does that bother you?

Kimber: Nah! Those scenes are fine. It’s just the movies she does them in are dumb. I wonder if “sexy scene” is in her contract? “I will be in a movie with this Sudeikis fellow provided he and other people in the movie gush over how sexy I am.”

Stormer: “Not too sexy, obviously. This is not a porn thing.”

Kimber: “Something tasteful but also that shows off my fucking gams, amirite!”

Stormer: “Oh, no, don’t worry! I brought my own soft-focus lenses.”

Kimber: “Oh, no, don’t worry! I brought my own guitar-ridden sound cue. Please play it on a 1980s stereo for best effect when mixing it into the soundtrack.”

Stormer: She is pretty hot. But you’re right. I don’t believe she’s a stripper anyways.

Kimber: Do you believe Sudeikis as a drug dealer?

Stormer: Phhhhhhhhhhhh. That’s his drug dealer face.

Kimber: Or that Emma Roberts is a…wait? Is she a runaway? I feel like they must have cut out her backstory, because she keeps starting to correct her fake family when they call her an orphan or whatever and then just…stops. With sadness in her eyes.

Stormer: With a tremor on her lips.

Kimber: With a shoulder shrug of melancholy.

Stormer: With a plaintive sigh of sorrow.

Kimber: But no! Alas! Now is not the time for her tragic tale of woe!

Stormer: And then off she stomps to be alone.

Kimber: Or to make out with her fake virgin brother who is also making out with their fake mom while their fake dad watches!

Stormer: “Watch the family drama unfold!”

Kimber: Incest is the new…thing that happens in a lot of movies for some reason.

Stormer: Well. Mostly fake incest.

Kimber: The next step is fake fake incest.

Stormer: Are you going to summarize this movie?

Kimber: Yeah: it was shit. The end!

Stormer: Excellent review!

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