THE
Mirror Mirror.

A Charming Fantasy About Tax Revenue!: Mirror Mirror (2012)

By Kimber Benton & Mary "Stormer" Phillips · Nov 29, 2012
Spoiler Warning!

Just FYI, this article contains material that might be considered spoilery based on our spoiler policy. In this instance, that includes discussion of all the MAJOR PLOT TWISTS that don't exist in this movie.

Kimber: We just watched Mirror Mirror, since we figured we might as well.

Stormer: Did you know that the woman who played Kristen Stewart’s mom in Snow White and the Husband was the wife of the director that she fucked? So she fucked her stage-mom’s non-stage-husband?

Kimber: We’re not talking about that Snow White movie anymore. We’re talking about this Snow White movie. Which stars Lily Collins’ eyebrows. Get with the program, Phillips!

Stormer: Wait! Did I say “husband” instead of “huntsman”?

Kimber: Would you stop preventing me from husbanding this review along?

Stormer: Fine! My favorite part was Brighton. Played by Nathan Lane. Which tells you everything you need to know about Brighton.

Kimber: Yeah. Just imagine the clock and the candlestick from Beauty and the Beast merged into one character and allied with evil for muddled reasons of self-preservation.

Stormer: He’s the real heart of this movie, don’tcha think? “I loved your father, Snow White, but then he disappeared so…now I’M EVIL!” He’s got this shit figured out. Like a boss.

Kimber: Speaking of Snow White’s father, my favorite part was Sean Bean being in a thing where instead of getting killed in the end he gets resurrected.

Stormer: My favorite part was Julia Roberts’s Evil Stepmother character not being named “Ravenna.” Although I dunno if “Clementianna” is much better.

Kimber: They should have called her “Bananarama.”

Stormer: “Dragonfruitalicious.”

Kimber: “Orangalot.”

Stormer: “Raspberryberet.”

Kimber: “Fructoseppina.”

Stomer: “Starburstinator.”

Kimber: “Fraise.”

Stormer: I can’t decide if I liked this film.

Kimber: I thought it was charming. Enjoyable. Pleasant.

Stormer: Even though most of it took place in like a 50-square foot sound stage forest scene?

Kimber: I mean, it wasn’t charming enough to also not be boring. But were you expecting it to be exciting all the way through? Have any of Tarsem Singh’s movies been exciting all the way through?

Stormer: I can’t remember which parts of my 2011 Greek-myth movie memory are from the The Immortals and which are from Wrath of the Titans. So no.

Kimber: Remember the Djinn in Clash of the Titans? They looked like they were made of bark. That’s all I remember. Plus Pegasus.

Stomer: Do you think Tarsem Singh gets his movies together and then is all, “fuck. Why is somebody making the same film I am making AGAIN?”

Kimber: Either that or he’s convinced that the visuals he used in The Cell are still novel enough that nobody can touch his aesthetic.

Stormer: My favorite part, seriously, is the pirate outfit Napoleon the dwarf makes for Snow White for the second half of the film. It’s rather kicky.

Kimber: Whatever: you know your actual favorite part is the wardrobe montage right before that.

Stormer: True. That’s because it was like we were suddenly watching an Amanda Bynes movie.

Kimber: I liked her Snow White movie better than Snow White and the Huntsman or Mirror Mirror.

Stormer: Remember when she loved comics and all the seven geeks were like “cool” and then later one of the geeks makes a Battlestar Galactica reference and she’s all “I don’t know what that is”?

Kimber: Yes…so?

Stormer: Sydney White doesn’t make sense, is my point.

Kimber: Why does Julia Roberts have to go inside her mirror? Who is the other Clementianna inside the mirror who lives in that shack that looks like Vincent D’Onofrio built it? The whole setting looks like J-Lo and Vince Vaughan are just going to walk in at any moment. It looks like a home in every beach town level of a Final Fantasy game ever.

Stormer: Like, “we live a simple life here but we are happy”?

Kimber: “Also, coincidentally, this is probably the start of the game. Either that or your airship has crashed and you must start anew.” That town is like the town in this movie. “Please don’t tax us. We can’t handle the burden anymore.”

Stomer: “All we have are rags and our families and the stray dogs our children must eat.”

Kimber: “Also, not all of us are white. Which is only worth mentioning because everybody with a speaking role in this film is.”

Stormer: All they show is the castle, the town, and the woods between them. But then there are all those nobles in the wedding scene. Like, do they all live in the castle?

Kimber: Hee!

Stormer: What?

Kimber: I just looked at the Mirror Mirror wiki to see if Mirror Clementianna is just a reflection and—

Stormer: Is she?

Kimber: I dunno, but that name is so ludicrous that it’s misspelled. “Clemenianna.”

Stormer: “Roger Clemensianna.”

Kimber: Also: why do all the dwarves in this movie have weird talents?

Stormer: “Samuel Langhorne Clemensianna.”

Kimber: And why does the reflection suddenly have evil ghost puppets later in the film?

Stormer: Maybe Clem—oh, by the way, let’s just call her “Clem”—should have taken some of those milk baths Ravenna was into? Although I guess there is that scene where she gets a shit facial.

Kimber: I don’t think I realized that was Armie Hammer playing Prince Alcott while I was watching the movie. I don’t think I realized that because the entire time I was like “who is this goof?”

Stormer: What a dumb love story. They basically have to be all, “well, they can’t get together until the end, so we’ll have this whole subplot about the financial intrigue of the kingdom.” So the plot is that the King has disappeared and Clem has been spending all of the kingdom’s tax revenue on lavish parties. She’s broke—because figuring out how to steal a kingdom is clearly mutually exclusive with good financial planning—so she decides she has to marry Alcott because he’s rich, but also that she has to kill Snow White because…I dunno.

Kimber: “Mirror Mirror: a charming fantasy about tax revenue!”

Stormer: “A charming fantasy about political marriages amongst the aristocracy!”

Kimber: “A charming fantasy about the fairest cougar of them all!”

Stormer: “A charming fantasy about working class dwarves who have lost their jobs because of the overly punitive No-Uglies Act!”

Kimber: Seriously! What was with that?

Stormer: It was unfortunately ham-fisted, certainly. “A charming fantasy about ham-fistedness”

Kimber: “A charming fantasy about giant eyebrows!”

Stormer: Maybe those eyebrows are what Phil Collins could feel coming in the air that night?

Kimber: To be fair, Lily Collins may have those eyebrows, but Kristen Stewart’s entire Kristen Stewart is just a set of Lily Collins eyebrows, without the rest of Lily Collins. Or a kicky pirate outfit, y’know?

Stormer: Do you think Mare Winningham thought her part was going to be bigger? Also: have we said anything of substance about this film?

Kimber: It’s cute. It’s just not cute enough to be interesting for 100 minutes.

Stormer: My favorite part was when Napoleon becomes a hairdresser.

Kimber: And Brighton gets off Scott Free.

Stormer: Like a boss.

Discussion
Can't see the comments? Sorry, but they require javascript.