Two Free Trial Dumps from Rendez-poo!
By Dom Sinacola· Oct 02, 2013
Though we as nominally civilized human beings strive to love, accept, or at the very least tolerate our bipedal brethren while we navigate, hearts in hands, the vast, roiling, nauseous sea of life, there will always come a time when you just feel like someone deserves a bucket of shit dropped on his or her head.
Unfortunately, it’s a messy business coordinating such a feat: the subterfuge, the perfect timing, the filling a receptacle with feces part, the potential for shame and also spillage and maybe pink eye, the burden placed on City workers and store owners for post-dump cleaning, the smell, the remembering it’s not chocolate frozen yogurt part. It’s the process itself, and not the hate burning inside—it’s not the will, it’s the way—which too often deters the aforementioned civilized human being from filling a bucket with shit and dumping it on someone’s head.
Today’s Groupon wants to make your next Poop-on an unqualified success: we’re offering two free trial dumps from the world’s leader in carefully orchestrated, surprise shits, Rendez-poo Unlimited.
Rendez-poo had its humble beginnings ten years ago during the flooding of the Clark County minimum security prison near Louisville, Kentucky. Amidst the chaos the flooding wreaked on the facility, one inmate in particular, Colin Dowell, was forced to stand for three days on his bunk while the prison’s wastewater system backed up to such an extent that Dowell’s bed was literally a desert island amongst a sea of shit. During that time, Dowell wondered if there was a way to put all that shitwater to better use, to direct it toward folks who deserved to be surrounded by it, and not those who made a mistake—like Dowell—and are already paying the price.
As soon as Dowell saw parole, Rendez-poo was born. What was once a one-man show in a poorly lit but nonetheless dry basement, has now grown to a Fortune 500 company with over 200 facilities throughout North America. Rendez-poo’s services are simple: from time and labor to materials, Rendez-poo has you (not literally) covered. Take a co-worker who shafted you on that recent account out to lunch, and watch him dripping with feces in front of a YMCA daycare! Invite your ex over for wine and cheese, and watch him whine, covered in butt cheese as soon as he walks through the door! Rendez-poo only uses the finest quality shit and sewage from North America’s biggest prisons (and nursing homes), guaranteeing no turd will go to waste and no head that has it coming will go without that turd sitting on top of it like some sort of shit-bird cozying up in its shit-nest. As Dowell has declared recently when Rendez-poo’s stock went public, “I will not rest until every major highway across this great country is teeming with our trucks, filled to the brim with the best shit that money can buy!”
Reserve your first consultation today and manifest that anger deep inside you….as a bucket of shit dropped on someone’s head!
“The priest at my church is a real smarmy dickbag, so I just knew he needed some shit poured onto his face (which I secretly hoped he wasn’t, like, sexually into). Only problem was I’m the leader of the church youth group, so there was no way he could know it was my doing. Rendez-poo assured me that no blame would find its way to me, so when we went into the city for coffee, ole Fr. Brian ended up with a barrel of bumwater absolutely drenching his clerical cloak. When he looked up all he saw was a nondescript guy in a hardhat, hanging from some scaffolding ten floors above, shrugging, all ‘Whoops, sorry boss.’ It was awesome. The priest later got hepatitis. Which was also awesome.” — Darren Delouse, posted on Foursquare, 8/23/11
“I spent years collecting my feces in jars. You have no idea how happy I am that I finally get paid for this.” — Marshall McLuhan, a.k.a. Big Baby Bursitis, inmate, Jackson County Jail, Jackson MI; etched into cellmate’s chest 7/11/09
The New York Times called Rendez-poo “America’s answer to the experience of eating Russian food,” while National Poop Digest raved, “As far as dumping shit on people goes, this is fine enough.” And in its latest issue, Cat Fancy exclaimed, “This is why we love cats more than humans,” adding, “Cat’s may lick their assholes, but at least they don’t chuck turds at each other.”