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Sultry Pseudonyms

By Dom Sinacola · Oct 29, 2013

All Hallow’s Eve rears it spooktacular head this week, and if there’s one thing every reveler must accommodate it’s the unadulterated salaciousness of such a holiday. Yes, no other 24-hour period this year is so beholden to indulging the carnal whims of the general populace, which means that what one must adorn should be both physically flattering and suggestive of copulation, regardless of safety, familiarity, monogamy, or general reproductive health. Of course, not every get-up will be a knock-out, Confused Costumer, which is why Missed Manners is here to provide a coterie of possibilities to make your fantasy alter-ego a real hit, both for the benefit of your friends and of your genitals. We recommend taking the following list to your local haberdashery and demanding they provide you with an outfit suitable for attracting and then allowing you to go home with some hot piece of strange:

  • A sexy Ghostbuster
  • A sexy hobo
  • A sexy Chihuahua
  • A sexy newt
  • A sexy foot
  • A sexy smoke alarm (“Whoa, girl, you better take that hotness down a notch or I might start screaming uncontrollably until you have to climb on a chair to take out my battery.”)
  • A sexy tractor
  • A sexy Appalachian banjo player with what’s colloquially referred to as “Sexy Mountain Dew Teeth”
  • A sexy character from Modern Family
  • A sexy onion
  • A sexy grandpa
  • A sexy ninja turtle, such as Raphael (wit) or Donatello (intelligence), but never Michelangelo
  • A sexy genetic mutant, of any stripe
  • A sexy coffee maker
  • A sexy half-coffee maker, half-sexy-human genetic mutant
  • A sexy bag of Doritos
  • A sexy Robocop
  • A sexy Miley Cyrus (we predict this will be a popular Halloween costume)
  • A sexy bar of soap (Upon concluding intercourse, you can yell, “This house…is clean!”)
  • A sexy Zelda Rubinstein (Upon concluding intercourse, you can yell, “This house…is clean!”)
  • A sexy character from The Wire (may we suggest one of the women McNulty bangs in the bar parking lot?)
  • A sexy war criminal
  • A sexy state, like Florida or Oklahoma, and not Ohio or, say, Colorado
  • A sexy member of your State House of Representatives
  • A sexy coffin
  • A sexy fetus
  • A sexy “binder full of women”
  • A sexy person who plays Call of Duty online
  • A sexy Walter White
  • A sexy Guy Fieri
  • A sexy automobile accident
  • A sexy garden slug
  • A sexy pediatrician
  • A sexy LL Bean catalog
  • A sexy Alec Baldwin
  • A sexy boob
  • A sexy sex addict
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