Ted Cruz: Shut Down Edition

By Dom Sinacola · Oct 03, 2013

Senator Ted Cruz looks like…

…no one obamacares about his feelings.

…he still has all of his baby teeth and so is bitter he’s never once been visited by the Tooth Fairy.

…he’s killed at least one prostitute. Because she made fun of his hilarious little chiclet teeth.

…his teeth are actually Michelle Bachmann’s leftovers.

…he’s not allowed to have solid foods.

…senior citizens tend to think he’s a “nice young man,” despite how often he makes fun of war veterans on Twitter. His latest tweet? “Fuck it, war veterans don’t know how to work Twitter.”

…the one time in his life he masturbated it was to a promo spot for a mid-season episode of JAG. He didn’t finish because he wasn’t about to stick his own finger up his ass.

…more than one baby garter snake has been inside his urethra.

…his wife didn’t not tell him to wear mascara that day.

…his fraternity nickname in college was “Butt Ketchup.”

…he would not, could not like green eggs and ham, unless you gave it to him via enema.

…Ty Burrell, Destroyer of Taquitos.

…he’s more than once licked Mitch McConnell’s neck waddle.

…he doesn’t give his staff Christmas bonuses, just the same Giazzuro Hand Lotion Gift Basket, priced wholesale at $14.99.

…the Obamacare Bear: Gin Blossom Bear.

…the gray in his hair is actually toothpaste and/or what he affectionately refers to as “dick chalk.”

…Astro Boy awkwardly half-way to Astro Man.

…Olive Oyl with bigger boobs.

…Minnie Mouse in the midst of hormone therapy before gender reassignment surgery.

…he’s singing the fuck out of the whole soundtrack to Funny Girl.

…Harvey Fierstein about to sneeze.

…someone ate Joe Lo Truglio.

…the reason why I won’t be able to visit the fucking Smithsonian when I’m in D.C. next week.

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