Philandering Philanthropist

By Dom Sinacola · Aug 02, 2013

Face it, dear reader—for there is no extra mind paid to humility around these parts—you are what both popular parlance and F. Scott Fitzgerald have commonly referred to as a “playboy.” A lady’s man. A studly fella. A hunk of sturdy, dependable maleness. Ordinary men want to be you and ordinary women want to run their ordinary fingers through your hirsute chest area. For there is nothing ordinary about you, you Carnally-gifted Colt, and Missed Manners understands that with the waning of these, our Summer months, fecundity is at its seasonal apex, which means that now, more than ever, you will find your waggly love limbs lusted after by every stripe of fevered filly. You are a giving soul, we know, but there is only so much of you to go around. Proper decorum must be observed, after all, and though you are a man, and so typically immune to castigations regarding “licentiousness” or “promiscuity,” you should still stay vigilant lest your reputation for god-like humping become tainted by overuse and underperformance.

Thus, please accept some helpful tips (just the tips) on what to tell those Soliciting Suitors looking to scavenge what they can from inside your slacks.

Oh! I truly am flattered, but…

  • I think I have the drip.
  • I think I have the dibbles.
  • I think I have the dipsets.
  • I think I have the crying peepers.
  • I think I have the daily D-nids.
  • I think I have everything from the A-Unit to the G-Unit.
  • I think I’ve got the rot crotch.
  • I definitely have HPV. But probably so do you. So… whatever, you can give me a handy if you want.
  • I think I’ve got the Liptophymyrosis. But just B. Not C. Don’t go telling people I’ve got C.
  • I’m going through an especially painful outbreak of uncturose.
  • I think I have the Cincinnati slivers.
  • I think I have the Tucson tallywhacks.
  • I think I have the Salt Lake City Salt Lake Syndrome.
  • I think I have the hanging skin-tags of Babylon.
  • I think I have the Humboldt County calamity.
  • I think I have gonorrhea.
  • I think my bush babies are flaring up.
  • I think I’ve got the hillbilly’s hootenanny.
  • I think I have the incredibly rare waffle dick.
  • I’ve just been diagnosed with Toucan Sam’s Nightmare.
  • I think I have herpes.
  • I think I have the pretty toneys.
  • I think I have the knucklies.
  • I think I have the Tallhassee Torque.
  • I think I have a mean case of knob salad.
  • I haven’t washed out my butt yet today.
  • That thing’s pretty much only good for peeing out of anymore. It looks like a half-eaten éclair to be honest.
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