By Dom Sinacola· May 08, 2013
The economy is rapidly disappearing down the rabbit hole we call the Economic Toilet, dear reader, and that means you may currently find yourself in a debilitating financial situation. No one is immune to this crisis, and no one is safe, no matter the cushion, pillow, or non-metaphorical Roth IRA you have positioned behind your rapidly weakening lower lumbar. In fact, there is no shame in admitting you are unemployed, as we here at Missed Manners are no strangers to thriftiness in the face of a dwindling checkbook and a miserable job market. We all have to do, as our mother once instructed us, what we all have to do, and we know that you have a family to support, Proud Pauper, as well as a homestead to run, no matter what it costs or where that money is coming from. So, in the spirit of successfully attracting a headhunter, we would like to aid you, job-hungry SOB, with climbing your way through the gauntlet of the interview process.
With that in mind, we have cut to the quick and zeroed in on the most difficult of job interview questions. You would probably agree, it is the “What is your biggest flaw?” doozie. While you butter up that CV, why don’t you let us come up with the correct answer to that trap of an in-person inquiry?
What is my biggest flaw? Hmmm. Well, I’ve been told:
- That coworkers don’t like it when I follow them home.
- I have the charm of a young Andrew Dice Clay and also wear leather gloves all the time.
- I tried too hard to relate to the younger employees by suggesting a young man “Superman that hoe” on more than one occasion.
- I’m much too eager to indulge in all the stereotypes of “Japanese businessman.”
- I staple everything. And I mean everything.
- If there are donuts in the breakroom I will take pieces of each variety to form my own super-donut, which I will not share with you. Nor will I wash my hands before I start.
- I’m…just…always sick. Have I mentioned I don’t wash my hands?
- I talk too much at the urinal. I also like to compare my penis to other penises. Not for length, mind you, but for thickness of stream. Also to see if that discolored thing is normal.
- I have no respect for company property. And you know what? It’s true: I don’t.
- I shouldn’t spike the water cooler. With LSD.
- I once organized the worst Christmas party the company had ever seen. Who knew a quadruple amputee burlesque show was inappropriate for a Chuck-E-Cheese?
- I once owned a Chuck-E-Cheese, which I burned down for insurance money. Sorry, is that a flaw? Because the claim went through.
- A chimpanzee in a beanie does not belong in a place of work, let alone one not wearing a diaper. Even if he smokes cigarettes, which apparently does not make him any more “like people.”
- I care too much…about animated pornography.
- I act “psychotically” around “women,” “children,” and “phones.”
- That my tattoos are offensive. To my credit, I am a reformed neo-Nazi, so it sorta comes with the territory.
- That my swag factor is at like one hundred and ten percent…which I guess is against the law?
- That sometimes people can see my pubes peeking over the waist of my slacks.
- That I have violent night terrors.
- Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know when you’ll receive a formal citation for sexual harassmant.
- That I have 26 too many troll dolls…How many? Oh. 26.
- Surprising coworkers by putting plastic bags over their heads is more terrifying than surprising.
- I smell like cat pee. Fresh cat pee.
- That eating hair is distracting.