One Hour of Evildoer Consultation at Half-Price from the Snidely Whiplash Center for Nefarious Sign Mis-Orientating
By Dom Sinacola· Sep 04, 2013
As the Royal Canadian Mounted Police has known intimately for over five decades, there are still some of society’s lost souls on the loose, men outside the vigilance of the law who will stop at nothing to consistently, even daily, harass damsels in distress through increasingly anachronistic means of villainy. This includes, but of course is by no means restricted to, the following well-known tropes of career-level evil-doer methods:
- Tying a helpless woman to train tracks
- Twirling one’s handlebar mustache to convey an effective air of menace
- Laughing uproariously at inappropriate, often disturbing, moments
- Asking your girlfriend or mother if she is pregnant, when she is not
- Wearing a black, woolen cape, even in high-desert heat
- Soliciting the obedience of an undersized, possibly developmentally disabled, mute man-boy to perform menial services, and dressing him only in a tuque to properly demonstrate one’s power over and disregard for basic human decency
- Painting a crude representation of an open tunnel on a large boulder or mountain to trick someone traveling at high speeds, possibly causing them to suffer grievous injury to both body and pride
- Belching in church
- And many more!
After all, the universe must balance itself; evil must exist to counter whatever it is that makes good such a worthwhile endeavor. And what better way to emphasize do-goodery in its purest form than by pitting it against the most archetypal of bad guy ways? Today’s Groupon is for those who’ve chosen the dark side yet still need a kick in the fanny to get going: one introductory hour of cartoony calamity coaching at half-price from the Snidely Whiplash Center for Nefarious Sign Mis-Orienting!
The SWC was founded on the site of an old trainyard in Tacoma, Washington, originally as a fully staffed lair for down-and-out supervillains, yet over time it has matured from its social club beginnings to serve as the Pacific Northwest’s premiere institute for evil education. Dean of Students, Terry Chapman—a.k.a., the Malignant Mammoth, the tusk-mouthed Dr. Moreau-like face of modern genetic abuse—abandoned his secluded laboratory on Orcas Island to tend to what he saw as a dire need rapidly emerging within the evil-doer community. “The heart was there, let me tell you. It was the ’80s: all these young villains were full of drugs and thought they could change the world. But there was nowhere an amateur could go to become comfortable with the lifestyle, let alone get a few pointers on how to get out there and get started,” Chapman recalls. “I wanted to give them a better chance than I ever got.”
Chapman built the SWC under the principle of simplicity, stripping villainy down to basics to give students a firm foundation in plotting and scheming essentials. Much like the Center’s namesake, the root of all evil lies not in epic master plans but in the everyday dickish-ness of mild gestures, such as turning a sign so that it’s pointing in the wrong direction, leading a Good Guy the wrong way, one hopes, if timed and executed well, to certain doom, or at the least some sort of niggling inconvenience.
The Snidely Whiplash Center offers both classes and consultations for all skill levels, from those who have yet to even properly oil their goatee, to lanky men in black looking to build some upper body strength in order to carry around sacks full of bowling-ball-shaped bombs. The SWC campus also features acres of training greens and lifelike mannequins to practice tying struggling people to train tracks, as well as miles of racing courses to better simulate the terrain and intensity of driving a getaway vehicle to flee a cop car or avoid a man on a horse with a gun. This Autumn even sees the introduction of two long-requested courses: a beginner’s guide to laughing for uncomfortably long periods of time, and a helpful seminar in tiny-writing for budding manifesto authors whose psychotic diaries are much too coherent and legible to suffice as properly insane tracts.
Committed to the idea that Evil isn’t learned, but it sure as shit can’t hurt to get some advice, the SWC now celebrates its 20th year raising Bad Guys into Bad Men, ensuring that, as long as there are bright-eyed, burgeoning baddies out there willing to put in some extra work, no good deed will ever go unpunished.
Sign up for your first meeting today! Or else!
“When I started having explicit nightmares of me bathing in my parents’ blood and wearing my mom’s skin like a shawl to church, I thought I was going crazy. Turns out I totally was, and it was the Snidely Whiplash Center that helped me learn how to focus all that energy into legitimately constructive destruction. Within my first consultation, the warm, friendly counselors at the SWC had brought me to the realization that I’m not a bad person because of my dreams, but with the right help I could be.” — Patrick Murphy, now known as Incesticide; posted on Yelp, 08/13/11
Buzzfeed.com lists the Snidely Whiplash Center as one of its “15 Places That Are Real” and Der Spiegel calls the institution “affordable and surprisingly accredited. No, seriously, no shitting you. It’s accredited. Even fucking Bob Jones isn’t accredited, and this shit’s way crazier. Whatever. We’re all fucked anyway, amirite?”
“Who, me? Well, I’ll fill you in on a little secret. I’m just in it for the pussy. You know who wants to fuck a supervillain? Everybody.” — Ethan Hawke, in an interview on Scarborough Country, 10/01/12