One Free Non-judgmental Viewing of Fast & Furious 6 With Dale Bapestein
By Dom Sinacola· Nov 27, 2013
The face of modern cinema has reached a point where the tropes of old—the very 1970s non-PC genres of malice and nascent social awkwardness; also sexy car chases—have merged irrevocably with our CGI-charged exoskeletons of the new millennial blockbuster, creating a confusing but erotic mess of backwards symbols and mixed messages all but indecipherable to those otherwise conditioned to accept what’s put before them, and then summarily shut the fuck up. Unless one were to dedicate oneself to decoding a symbology in current moviemaking that suffuses stuff exploding with the more overt effect that senseless violence inflicts on our ever-developing psyche as a post-9/11 society, an action movie operating under the consensus of disbelief suspension is best imbibed as just and only that: an action movie. A blockbuster. An explodey good time never meant to persist past the point of ignition.
Perhaps the best example of such a film is any entry in the Fast & Furious series, but especially numbers five and, recently, six, post- the Rock joining forces with Dom (Vin Diesel) and whatever the fuck Paul Walker’s rapidly aging character is named. Like, seriously, he looks pretty bad. Yet, to witness Dwayne Johnson wrestle Vin Diesel through a concrete wall, and then again, and then again, is to witness visceral filmmaking at its visceralist. That Don’s team then drags a couple-ton safe through the streets of Rio de Janeiro—drags—only exacerbates the need to shut off one’s brain and quit asking questions about the endurance of Dom’s cars’ suspension systems, and instead question one’s own ability to test the limits of one’s personal suspension system.
Today’s Groupon is a test case in testicular fortitude: feel no longer a dummy for enjoying, above all and without an ounce of remorse, the best of Hollywood’s elite FX extravaganzas. For one free two-hour period, join a proverbial soulmate in getting the most out of your adrenalized succor of superhuman spree-ing.
Because: enter Dale Bapestein, 32-year-old journeyman plumber and consummate fan of all movies starring the Rock. Dale, while not only prominently displaying a DVD collection of over 5,000 individual titles stacked mostly precariously next to his 54-inch Samsung flat screen, singlehandedly kept his local Akron, Ohio remaining Blockbuster Video open through weekly visits to the bargain bins, buying up copies of the Bourne movies and the second Harold & Kumar movie simultaneously, showing no reasonable discernment between high art and cult favorite, instead simply loving movies for the sake of their existence. The breadth of Dale’s DVD collection has been matched only by his openness to all forms of cinematic entertainment; as he’s often said to those who’ve ventured into his den on a Friday night: “It’s cool, man, I’m game for whatever.”
Only after too many acquaintances laughed square in Dale’s—rather square—face did he realize that his prime choice of filmic entertainment was, at the most, considered by almost everyone he knew as something best ingested from an ironic distance. But were these the same people who made the Fast & Furious movies such a success at the box office? Why the disconnect? Dale, one night, in the midst of the third Underworld entry, intuited the answer that had eluded him for too long: everyone was just too afraid to genuinely like these movies.
Thus, Dale Bapestein began what has to this day emerged at the premiere choice for non-judgemental buddy services: Watch Fast & Furious 6 With Dale Bapestein, the only Fortune 500 company in America where Dale Bapestein will come to your house and watch Fast & Furious 6 without making one single sarcastic comment about its plot holes or ridiculous action setpieces or frivolous treating of logic and science. Instead, Dale guarantees that he will genuinely enjoy every moment he spends watching these movies with you, and will, upon payment of a small premium, rattle off extra-special bits of trivia regarding the modern masterpiece you’re, together, experiencing. Such as:
- “For almost a full decade I correlated Tokyo Drift to the move my ex made on my knob when she went down on me during that movie.”
- “Vin Diesel’s middle name is Frank. I know, right? Just Frank.”
- “The Rock is part Samoan and part igneous. HA! Get it? Me neither.”
- “That particular car runs on hair oil. Probably.”
- “This movie is loosely based on Grease 2.”
Sign up for a free trial subscription today and get to work witnessing, shamelessly, what in 15 years will be a part of the Criterion Collection anyway.
“Hi, my name’s Dale Bapestein, and I’m a man of simple pleasures: doughnuts, historic dirigibles, and pretending that your house is my own. I’ve been fortunate enough to build a business around these pleasures, and as such I’d like to extend my particular affability towards anyone who’s ever felt marginalized by not being able to watch Fast & Furious 6 except when pretending to enjoy it ironically. Do none of your friends want to sincerely watch these F&F movies with you? I will sit by your side, hold your hand if you like, and gaze upon the visage of Justin Lin’s action spectacular with a straight face, except for certain moments when I’ll leap into the air and hoot with joy. I will not comment upon the physical improbability of what’s happening, nor will I judge you for not questioning the same. All we will do is together enjoy Fast & Furious 6, as well as the following sanctioned movies:
- Biker Boyz
- Pain & Gain
- The Chronicles of Riddick
- That other xXx with Ice Cube
- GI Joe
- …and Tooth Fairy, or the like…
“I mean, if this isn’t your thing, there’s plenty of hours of Bela Tarr movies to watch. Good luck, and try taking two bong rips to The Turin Horse. Weeeee!”