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Nonplussed Nativity

By Dom Sinacola · Oct 01, 2013

Time is a despairingly inescapable force, dear Reader, and we are all at the mercy of its embittered claws. There is nothing you can do, nothing you can accomplish or accrue, that will accompany you over the edge of life’s horizon. And as each year passes, as each birthday tallies another 365 24-hour periods of missed opportunities and pointless gestures, we, as the collective human race, venture ever-onward toward one inevitable conclusion: this is all for naught.

Which means we here at Missed Manners understand you may not “be in the mood” for yet another birthday party when your time comes, especially how, the older you get the more effort your friends and acquaintances will put into celebration. Which is why we’re here to, upon the barrage of well-wishes you’ll receive on this, your Apathetic Anniversaire, provide you with a series of polite responses to truthfully relate your feelings without distressing those you love too much as to your suspect mental and emotional state.

Yep, I’m 30! Oh, thank you! You know…

  • Life’s a bitch, and then you die, that’s why we get high, ‘cuz you never know when you’re gonna go. Also I’m really lonely.
  • I know all the words to “Staying Alive” and have $96 in my savings account.
  • I should have slept with my poetry professor when I had the chance, instead of going home and watching six episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
  • I think I’m going to get disastrously wrecked tonight. Like, I’m going make some dire mistakes. I’ve got at least another decade before my deathbed confession.
  • My parents messed up my birth certificate and then lied to me about my real age for years. Turns out: I’m 47.
  • Despite what everyone said to me all throughout college, my English degree was really useful. …BAH! I’m kidding. No it wasn’t.
  • Boy, at least I’m not homeless.
  • Boy, at least I still have a penis that works 65% of the time.
  • Boy, at least I never had to deal with the difficult but ultimately rewarding pleasure of spending and sharing my life with someone.
  • The majority of porn I watch involves balloons. One thing age has allowed me is to come to terms with my unappealing sexual proclivities.
  • My pubes are already completely gray. Looks like Wilford Brimley’s nostrils down there.
  • I may have all of my hair, but what I’m losing quickly? My dignity.
  • I can’t wait until the noises I make in front of a urinal aren’t due to relief, but to painful straining.
  • As soon as I get married I’m going to completely stop exercising.
  • I get older, they stay the same age. And continue to not get any of my jokes.
  • When I was 15 I didn’t think I’d live this long…and that’s the end of my story.
  • For the past ten years I’ve been lying about having read Infinite Jest.
  • I can eat more spaghetti in one sitting now than I’ve ever been able to on any other birthday.
  • I don’t care how old you are: “slacks” is a perfectly acceptable term.
  • I’ve been told that today begins my “Butterscotch Years.”
  • Smooth jazz has actually always been my favorite genre of music.
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