By Dom Sinacola· Oct 10, 2013
A Matt Lib works in the same way a Mad Lib does, only it involves a Matt.
Print this out or write directly onto your computer monitor. Fill out the spaces below and then fit your answers into the corresponding lines in the following script involving St. Matt, thereby completing his adventure.
About 2,000 years ago, give or take five years, ST. MATT was not only one of Jesus’s twelve apostles, but he also wrote a big chunk of a famous piece of literature known as The Bible. His aforementioned chunk, the appropriately named “The Book of Matthew”, is popularly considered, next to “Revelations,” to be the most brutal of the books in the New Testament.
This is mostly because there’s this part at the beginning where King Herod wants to kill the baby Jesus after receiving news that a holy infant will be born in Nazareth who will be the King of Kings—and Herod wasn’t about to give up his throne to some pants-shitting peasant child—but thanks to the Three Wise Men, is unable to do so, and so he gets really pissed off and is generally disliked by everyone he knows up until he dies—which is when his whole family has a party.
One of his wives is like “Woo! Fuck that guy!” and even the slaves get a sip of wine from those kidney-shaped wet sacks they sell nowadays at REI, which back then were made out of yak skin. It made the wine taste a bit like overcooked eggs, but the slaves, having never had wine before, didn’t notice.
1. FAMOUS BOXER WHO NAMES ALL CHILDREN, REGARDLESS OF GENDER, THE SAME ___________________
2. SUBCOMPACT CAR MADE BY TOYOTA ___________________
3. CREATURE WHO LIVES ON TATOOINE, PLURAL ___________________
4. CARB-HEAVY BREAKFAST FOOD ___________________
5. VERB, WHAT A FERAL CAT TENDS TO DO INTO A DUMPSTER OR GUTTER, PAST TENSE ___________________
6. THE BEST PART OF LUCKY CHARMS CEREAL, PLURAL ___________________
7. THE WORST PART OF LUCKY CHARMS CEREAL, PLURAL ___________________
8. VERB, USING ONE’S ARMPIT, PRESENT TENSE ___________________
9. VENEREAL DISEASE ___________________
10. TYPE OF POP TART ___________________
11. FLAVOR OF VITAMIN WATER, NOT THE 50 CENT ONE ___________________
12. VERB, TYPICALLY TO OR ON A LUXURY CRUISE LINER, PAST TENSE ___________________
13. VERB, TYPICALLY TO OR ON A DIRTY SOCK, PAST TENSE ___________________
14. VERB, TYPICALLY TO A BOWL OF MACARONI OR PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH, PAST TENSE ___________________
15. PLACE WHERE ONE WOULD ADMIT ONE’S GRANDPARENTS WHEN THEY NO LONGER ARE OF USE ___________________
16. SOMETHING ONE WOULD ASK A FLIGHT ATTENDANT BEFORE TAKE-OFF ___________________
17. YOUR FAVORITE SYLVESTER STALLONE MOVIE ALSO STARRING ESTELLE GETTY ___________________
(Part of what ST. MATT wrote was the following, from Chapter 25 of his book, in which he describes what will happen when Jesus Christ, now ascended unto His full glory, returns to Earth to judge the deeds of Man, separating the good folks from the bad, much like one would separate the wheat from the chaff if one were a wheat farmer or if one were working for a wheat farmer or if one were building a likely ineffectual scarecrow. The good will hitch a ride with Jesus back up to Heaven, and the bad will burn for eternity in hellfire, which is a special kind of fire, in that it, in addition to being incredibly painful, also insults your weight and kind of tickles in a really uncomfortable way. This will be an especially trying set of circumstances for all involved, but no worries, this isn’t going to happen for like ten years or so.)
When the Son of (1)__________ comes in his (2)__________, and all the (3)__________ with him, then he will sit on his glorious (4)__________. Before him will be (5)__________ all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the (6)__________ from the (7)__________. And he will place the (6)__________ on his right, but the (7)__________ on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, “(8)__________, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the (9)__________ prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me (10)__________, I was thirsty and you gave me (11)__________, I was a stranger and you (12)__________ me, I was naked and you (13)__________ me, I was sick and you (14)__________ me, I was in (15)__________ and you came to me.” Then the righteous will answer him, saying, “Lord, (16)__________?” And the King will answer them, “Truly, I say to you, (17)__________.”
18. ANOTHER NAME FOR A BUTTCRACK, PLURAL ___________________
19. LCD SOUNDSYSTEM SONG ___________________
20. AFRICAN DICTATOR ___________________
21. ADJECTIVE, DESCRIBING THE STATE OF INDIANA ___________________
22. ADJECTIVE, DESCRIBING PARIS HILTON’S LEFT EYE ___________________
23. PUBLIC WORKS EMPLOYEE WHO TYPICALLY EMERGES FROM MANHOLES ___________________
24. ADJECTIVE, DESCRIBING THAT ONE TIME TWEETY BIRD WORE SYLVESTER THE CAT’S SKIN LIKE A HOOD ___________________
25. ADJECTIVE, DESCRIBING HOW AWESOME IT IS TO WATCH A BULLY PICK ON SOME DEFENSELESS TWERP ___________________
26. PRESENT PARTICIPLE, TYPICALLY INTO A MASON JAR OR TOILET BOWL ___________________
27. VERB, WHAT CHRIS CHRISTIE DOES TO A MUFFIN ___________________
28. ADJECTIVE, WHAT A CLASSIC ARBY’S ROAST BEEF SANDWICH FEELS LIKE WHEN RUBBING IT ACROSS ONE’S CHEEK ___________________
Then he will say to those on his left, “Depart from me, you (18)__________, into the eternal (19)__________ prepared for (20)__________ and his angels. For I was (21)__________ and you gave me no food, I was (22)__________ and you gave me no drink, I was a (23)__________ and you did not welcome me, (24)__________ and you did not clothe me, (25)__________ and in prison and you did not visit me.” Then they also will answer, saying, “Lord, when did we see you (26)__________, and did not minister to you?” Then he will answer them, saying, “Truly, I say to you, as you did not (27)__________ one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.” And these will go away into (28)__________ punishment, but the righteous into (28)__________ life.”