Rob Ford: Illuminati Edition

By Dom Sinacola & Mark Abraham · Nov 20, 2013

Rob Ford Looks Like…

…the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man trying to explain to you why he stepped on your Miata.

…albino Slimer.

…the human manifestation of Ren genetically combined with Stimpy.

…a Ziplock bag full of pee.

…a pimple with teeth.

…a guy who doesn’t actually eat all that much pussy, protestations to the contrary. Unless you mean cats. I’d believe that he eats lots of cats.

…a goldfish struggling to not get swept down the toilet.

…a completely sheared sheep.

…a man who’d live in a van down by the river.

…the world’s largest-ever newborn baby wheeled in on a cart before a panel of scientists.

…a jack-o-lantern two weeks after Halloween, all malformed and melted by mold. But I mean, it’s not like it was impressive-looking in the first place; it was originally carved by a five-year-old kid with an eye patch. Not because she was dressing up as a pirate. Though there was a skull and crossbones embroidered on the eye patch.

…the human manifestation of white middle-class straight able-bodied male privilege combined with the human manifestation of white middle-class straight able-bodied male snivilege.

…one of the hedgehog-like space monsters from the Critters movies. They’re called Krites, actually.

…Earl, of Toe Jam & Earl. Just imagine him in, like, bicycling sunglasses.

…Patrick the Starfish.

…Encino Gland.

…like George Lucas could easily mistake him for a CGI alien from that revised Jabba the Hut scene.

…Axl Rose’s brother, Spätzle Rose.

…he really thinks he’s got this whole mayoral thing nailed.

…the sad ennui of a water wing deflating slowly.

…like he should be standing on the corner of Young and Dundas preaching about the end times into a portable personal PA.

…like somebody I would never suspect of smoking crack, so…well done?

…a sensible, fiscal conservative. He also looks like he’ll think that was a complement.

…a jelly bean.

…the sound that Louie Anderson makes when he’s climbing out of the tub, then farts.

…Ron Jeremy without the legendary genitalia, though with very similar vested holdings in sex clubs throughout North America.

…he’s wearing some kind of tie festooned with ancient runes. Holy crap! Is Rob Ford in the Illuminati? It all makes so much sense now.

…he would do anything for Meatloaf. No, like the singer; not the loaf. This is not a fat joke. I won’t do that.

…a turducken with Mike Jeffries peaking his head out of the asshole.

…the hairy mucus ball of undigested vole pieces upchucked by an owl.

…McRib Ford.

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