Dom Sinacola: IBS Edition

By Dom Sinacola · Dec 05, 2013

Dom Sinacola Looks Like…

…a guy who only owns one pair of sweat pants, which he wears to bed every night.

…the third unadventurous Mario Brother who just stays behind to water Mario and Luigi’s houseplants when they’re off saving the Princess.

…a big moist ball of IBS.

…half of all tee-shirts he owns will be destroyed by pit stains.

…someone who missed the memo on the whole “putting a bird on it” thing, which dictates that when living in Portland one shouldn’t actually do that.

…a panicked Sam Waterston from The Killing Fields.

sam waterston

…a self-respecting human being who recently fit $2.50 worth of quarters up his nose. Like last week.

…he just flat out refuses to buy a duvet cover for his comforter, because fuck that, why.

…a person unable to ever truly cope with the disturbing lack of hair on his arms.

…he, despite the lack of it on his arms, has to frequently tame back his hair underwear and weekly shave his unibrow.

…a glistening, anthropomorphic T-Zone with a beard.

…Joke Gyllenhaal.

…Jork Gyllenhaal, the only not famous Gyllenhaal sibling, assistant manager at Dick’s Sporting Goods.

…Giuseppe Gyllenhaal, unrelated to the famous Gyllenhaals (despite protestations to strangers in bars), died from salmonella over a year ago. Not long after this picture was taken in fact.

…he’s in the midst of a drinking game involving complicated hand gestures that he is clearly losing.

…he has the eyes of a chicken or baby squirrel: dark, empty, and beleaguered.

…the subject of an episode of Intervention about a dude addicted to rubbing his nipples, but only in a clockwise fashion. (“Son, if you keep rubbing them like that, you may very well lose them.”)

…Mad Maxipad.

…writer of the off-Broadway musical My Ingrown Hair Malady.

…Mac from It’s Always Sunny… with worse tattoos and less intimidating biceps.

…an older version of a kid who definitely had a booger wall.

…he’s thinking much too hard about a pretty arbitrary poop joke.

…his biggest secret? Insatiable road rage.

…if he lost use of even one of his hands he would be rendered totally mute.

…he was just told the kitchen is all out of spaghetti.

…he never really feels comfortable sitting in any seat not covered by plastic.

…a spicy meat-ah-ball.


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