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Free Introductory Session from UltraPricks Unlimited

By Dom Sinacola · May 06, 2013

There is no doubt that acupuncture has grown to be the world’s leading therapeutic treatment, embraced by both skeptic physicians and free-thinking holistic “doctors” alike. Forget hot stones or hypnotism, acupuncture has proven to cure every single human ailment, from leprosy to lepidoptery, from anxiety to alcoholism, from diabetes to death, unmatched in its efficacy, effortlessness, and effeteness when pitted against mankind’s most popular foes. A military clergyman even recently claimed to have used acupuncture to bestow superpowers upon infrantry members fighting Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan. In other words: if you don’t stick hundreds of needles into your quivering skin on a semi-weekly basis, you’re letting the terrorists win.

With that direness in mind, Tempe, Arizona’s UltraPricks Unlimited has pioneered the world’s first Super-puncture procedure, essentially providing two to three times the strength and biological wherwithal your traditional acupuncture session could ever manage. In half the time! Today’s Groupon is 1,000 fat pin-pokes of palpable pleasure: one free introductory session of Super-puncture services from UltraPricks Ulimited!

The key to UltraPricks’ success is in not only using twice as many needles, but in dropping those useless 1.1-inchers for UltraPrick’s patented 6-inch UPU magnums. With at the very least three practitioners in the room, one of whom is blindfolded, spreading really huge needles over a surface area serviceably covering thirty percent more of your body than any other actively acupunct-ing specialist can advertise, UltraPrick guarantees you will see results in only one session—or we’ll add another practitioner and start over! With no charge to you!

Today, UltraPricks sports locations in over thirteen major cities, as well as under three decently populated suburbs of Phoenix. What began in 2011 as the fevered brainchild of Alexander Wong has blossomed into a lucrative young adult, and soon UltraPricks will open its first spa and daycare in Barcelona, where acupuncture needle policies are less fervent than those in the American Southwest.

Call to reserve your fifteen minutes of hyper-pricking today!

Message from the Founder

My name is Alexander Wong and only two short years ago I started UltraPricks under the belief that one can never have too many pricks to achieve human greatness.

I am committed to furthering the science of extreme acupuncture all over the world, to contributing my know-how and vivacious imagination to the study of the human body. Moreso: to the study of the human spirit. I have faith in the human condition, and I know that together, by stabbing ourselves repeatedly with 6-inch pricks, we as a race can unite behind the seemingly impossible goal of taming our wild physical selves…and freeing our even wilder souls.

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