50% Off Your First Session with Loose Lips LLC

By Dom Sinacola · Jul 11, 2013

As any man of science can tell you—all you have to do is ask!—more than half of the world’s major ills can be traced back to the most historically pervasive form of human misery: loneliness. Coincidentally, a recent report compiled by the FDA featured rigorous statistics that claim human loneliness is substantially reduced by exposure to sweet nothings whispered into one’s ear. In other words: it’s an irrefutable fact that we homo sapiens are bound to feel less alone when we have someone, anyone, softly saying kind, often arousing phrases in close, intimate proximity to our head-holes.

Today’s Groupon is especially meant for those without an extra special person to huff out hot-n-bothered hellos: 50% off an introductory trial session with Loose Lips LLC!

Erupting from the verdant folds of Las Vegas, Nevada, LLLLC is the brainchild of Fully Grozzman, a reformed Jesuit Brother who dabbled in professional companionship before realizing that the key to any escort’s success was a fine balance between employing a low-volume smoker’s baritone and unabashedly risque language. By “rescuing” ten rhesus monkeys from a cosmetic lab in nearby Reno (also ensuring they were all tattooed with mascara and lipstick), Grozzman soon hired an innovative lab of first-rate R&D folks to figure out Loose Lips’ business model. In less than six months, they had a prototype: a permanently sedated rhesus wearing makeup and surgically fitted with a voicebox spewing out heavily consumer-tested, sexy phrases read by none other than hipster porn darlings Sasha Grey and James Deen. Not only that, but the monkey was also trained to be as inconspicuous as possible, to hide in corners and skulk through the shadows until the perfect moment at which to spring into action, surprising an open ear with a sultry word or two.

After securing a licensing deal with the Humane Society, LLLLC soon ballooned into an empire which now ranks as the United States’ premiere Nothing-Whisperers for Hire agency. Serving the down-and-out sociopaths in more than 20 major cities around the country, Loose Lips LLC guarantees that no one will ever have to feel discarded by society ever again.

Featuring a hand-selected database of super sexy phrases whispered right into your brainpan! Read by a cavalcade of the world’s dreamiest adult performers! Phrases include:

  • “I am so wet right now.”
  • “You plus me equals UNHHHHHHHH.”
  • “Can I borrow your car? I won’t fart in it.”
  • “Who’s got the weed?”
  • “I am aching for your touch.”
  • “You like this little butthole.”
  • “I’m hungry.”
  • “Did you get that thing I sent ya?”
  • “Excelsior!”
  • “I farted in it.”
  • …and LOADS more!

Reserve your mutant macaque today!


“This is by far the best and most closest to legal way to have sex with monkeys.” — Robert K. Elly, Yelp review, published 6 March, 2009

Harper’s gave Loose Lips LLC a four-star review and commented, “You have to provide your own leash,” and Cricket raved, “I felt slightly less lonely, but only because I made the monkey sit at the dinner table with me and listen to my poetry.”

“I named my sexy monkey Little Stevie, after the member of the E Street Band? He reminded me to floss every night, although he didn’t exactly use those words. He typically said, ‘I want you inside me right now,’ like right into my ear, after pretty much scaring the shit out of me jumping from behind the fridge, and then he would nip at my ear lobe…and then I knew it was time to floss!” — Dom Sinacola, skywritten, 18 May, 2013

Can't see the comments? Sorry, but they require javascript.