will.i.am: "Feelin' Myself" (f/ Miley Cyrus, French Montana, & Wiz Khalifa)
By Mark Abraham· Jan 31, 2014
Here we go again:
[NOTE: Really, if answers to questions 1, 2, 3, 4, or 6 are “no,” rest of questionnaire is optional]
1. Is this song, against all odds, miraculously good?: Of course not, dummy!
2. Is the music for this song not shitty, poorly made techno?: Surprisingly? It’s a little hip hopish. So: props for trying, I guess? Though it still sounds mostly like slowed-down shitty techno.
3. Has will.i.am at the very least dusted off a new synth patch or something just to pretend he’s trying?: Ha! Come on! He’s not trying that hard to turn over a new leaf.
4. Was [insert guest vocalist here] used well in this song?: Well, Miley Cyrus raps, which is apparently her thing now, which I am totally excited about. Uhn. Meanwhile French Montana says some weird shit about how he’s like Slick Rick and Big Daddy Kane and possibly also Shakira and Wiz Khalifa sounds like he recorded his verse for an entirely different song.
5. Does will.i.am rhyme words with themselves in his lyrics for this song?: He repeats “goddammit” and “shit” a lot, which is essentially the same thing. He also rhymes “M.O.” with “problemo” super-sincerely. Finally, he rhymes “suicide” with its homonym “sewer side” in a pairing so dopey it makes Cyrus’s “I do it real big / Never do it tiny” look like some real clever word play.
6. Does this song change the present, widely accepted fact that will.i.am is an indictment of the worst effects of consumer culture on human creativity?: Only if you believe that the goal of giving “the whole club some Miley Cyrus” is a worthy one.
7. Amount of times will.i.am can make the same song again after this: Apparently forever. will.i.am is cementing his role as the action movie blockbuster of pop music: his videos are dirt cheap, his songs are so basic that they don’t require a lot of intensive studio time, and his lyrics are broad and repetitive enough that they play well for non-English speaking global audiences, so he just gets to keep pumping these shits out.
8. Amount of products he can product-place in the amount of videos that corresponds to the number of songs you answered for question 7?: Oh my god, guys, like a billion. This truly is the art form will.i.am has mastered.
9. Would will.i.am consider you a hater for your above answers?: Well, he “don’t give a fuck,” so probably, though he doesn’t actually mention the haters in this song. On the other hand, Cyrus does, “if you about that bullshit,” so…no haters. Plus, the whole chorus is just about staring at your own reflection telling you how awesome you are, which is kind of hilarious: will.i.am is now just writing his songs in a room full of mirrors. He’s just reflections of himself wizzing back at himself. He has become the product.
10. If you have answered “yes” to questions 1, 2, 3, 4, or 6, are you in fact will.i.am?: N/A.