The Damper: 2014

By Staff & Dom Sinacola · Dec 06, 2013

Oh hi! This coming year, the Damper will probably…

…make out a bit.

…chase some tail.

…bring back cargo shorts. Did you know they were gone? Well they’re coming back again!

…finally start wearing our mouth guard at night. Our father didn’t spend that much money on a piece of plastic for us to leave it on the kitchen sink for weeks, thank you very much.

not make a tasteless joke about Paul Walker literally a day before he dies…because that’s now impossible.

…relentlessly make fun of The Sound of Music Live long after everyone else has.

…Kanye West something something something.

…hold out some semblance of hope for The Walking Dead, which is of course antithetical to what the show wants.

…reduce our carbon footprint by jumping around on one leg. Also make more of what is popularly referred to as “dad jokes.”

…be all about showing you our vacation photos.

…read all of A Confederacy of Dunces, while on the toilet.

…finally watch the whole last season of The X-Files, while on the toilet.

…keep keeping up with the Kardashians, because life is nothing but chaos and we are all meaningless, inconsequential.

…stage an all-squirrel version of Northern Exposure.

…drink beer while we watch Mark clean.

…eat the whole thing.

…steal a really stupid amount of pamphlets from a pediatrician’s office.

…apply to be on The Amazing Race, telling people how we just “made it for fun,” though we’d be totally crushed if we didn’t make it through. Which we don’t, meaning Dom finds a quiet corner to cry in while Mark eats an apple and reads the paper.

…pick a peck of pickled peppers—if only to learn what a peck is.

…finally, for the love of God, stop lying about how much we like big butts.

…start a podcast, which is 85% Dom complaining about his stomach.

…get a doctorate. Unfortunately, said doctorate will not be in Jem and the Holograms.

…breath in breath out breath in breath out breath in breath out and still not like Bush.

…achieve death by Harrison Fordicide.

…reveal the parody lyrics for the version Mark made of “Under the Sea” about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles called “Under the Sink.”

…make good on our promise to become featured Cirque Du Soleil performers.

…use a 3D printer to make miniature 3D printers.

…steal Colin Farell’s eyebrows. Some call them “the mightiest em-dashes.”

…think, even though we know we’re just fooling ourselves, “what if the movie version makes Mockingjay better?”

…go back to high school as undercover journalists or cops or whatever.

…finally get around to that epic Disaster Movie review, which is so epic that it’s basically a non-starter.

…find out where Kaylen went ‘cause seriously there has not been enough horse-adjacent material on the site lately.

…get paler.

…reveal absolutely real pictures of the Loch Ness Monster.

…say, “hey? Remember Esperanto?”

…produce more content about aliens because, seriously, people who love aliens comment on stuff that is only barely about aliens.

…do The Top 100 Albums of the 1990s written and presented entirely in Morse Code. Hope you’re all skilled telegram operators!

…be even more epic than we already are. It’ll be like the difference between and cantaloupe and a watermelon.

…oh, you know: KILL IT EVERY SINGLE DAY.

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