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Scandal: Season 3

By Dom Sinacola · Sep 13, 2013

Everyone’s super-favorite super-sexy primetime pulp thriller about people who are kinda lawyers on Capitol Hill returns in October, and already details are emerging about the no doubt insane plot twists guaranteed to leave viewers breathless. As is the case with most highly guarded secrets, the Damper was given exclusive access to some spoilers from the upcoming season.

In Season 3 of Scandal, you’ll witness…

…a conversation in which one person will “trust [his or her] gut,” while the other person in the conversation will claim that said “gut” is “broken,” which explains why everything went so terribly wrong, but despair won’t have time to set in before both people are reminded of the “white hat” they must wear, especially as “gladiators,” and a ludicrous scheme is then hatched, but not before Huck offers to murder away their problems, ensuring everyone that this is his “world” so only he truly understands the rules, to which everyone responds by looking at Huck like they both pity him and are relieved they’re not as hopelessly fucking nuts as he is. Quinn will then fill his water bowl and pat him on the pate of his head.

…Quinn defy all expectations by developing a bloodthirsty addiction to Shaq’s new energy soda, and not torture.

…Huck find a new “family”: a group of pigeons outside the library. He just assumes they’re blood related.

…Alissa pass the bar exam only to realize there’s one thing she likes more than law: shoes. She is summarily removed from the show.

…Olivia wear the white hat David got her for three weeks straight, to the extent that the rest of the staff at OPA questions her hygiene, especially when they start getting whiffs of something funky coming from Olivia’s scalp. Olivia will then ceremoniously remove the white hat, allowing her to comfortably settle back into moral greyness, and also allowing her to use some lice medication Abby gets her. Because she has lice.

…David and Abby continuing to hate-fuck, tangentially talking about feelings, until one of them realizes that with the voting scandal now put to rest they’re both really boring people to talk to.

…David finally opening up to Olivia about his lost dog. Oh how he misses Lil Clarence Darrow.

…Jake finally get released from the B613 hole, craving cinnamon sugar pop tarts. Oh, and also revenge.

…James become the political editor for Buzzfeed.

…Huck give Olivia a Starbucks giftcard, which she quickly loses, but she still thinks it’s a sweet gesture.

…Cyrus and James raise their kid to be a big fucking asshole.

…Olivia write a best-selling cookbook: Wine and Popcorn: How To Fix Everything But Your Insensible Diet.

…Fitz saving precious time by gulping down his morning whiskey while simultaneously showering, brushing his teeth, shaving, and taking a dump. He is the President after all.

…Harrison confess that although he oozes sexuality and exploits that affect he has on women, he is actually a eunuch.

…yet another season where Mellie and Fitz talk about having older children, who are never actually seen. The rift between father and son over the latter’s hatred of tennis deepens.

…Fitz not win his bid for reelection, proving that rigging the vote in Defiance was probably a good idea after all. With a lot of time on his hands, he takes up stamp collecting and puts on 60 lbs. Olivia’s all “Shit, dodged that bullet.”

…Jack Bauer hold a knife to Cyrus’s throat. We smell the sweet stink of a cross-over!

…your racism manifest because you just assumed that the only older black gentleman on the show would also be Olivia’s dad.

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