THE
Answering machine.

Retired Answering Machine Messages, Volume 2

By Mark Abraham & Dom Sinacola · Nov 07, 2013
Halloween: Sandler

This article is part of our 2013 Halloween costume. Click here for full costume.

  • The price is wrong, bitch! …So could you please ask your manager for a price check?
  • Lost a hand in an alligator fight. Ended up losing the whole arm. THANKS OBAMA!
  • “Back to school! Back to school! To prove to Dad that I’m not a fool!” Remember? Huh?
  • What do you mean the plots of my movies don’t make sense?
  • What do you mean the characters in my movies are often offensive?
  • No worries. I’ve got at least 12 more scripts we can shoot on location in tropical climates.
  • I admit it! It’s never gotten better than ‘stop staring at me, swan!’
  • I have never ever piggybacked on Judd Apatow. Unless you mean literally.
  • It’s not like my entire career is just funny voices, is it?
  • I actually built Kevin James in a mad scientist’s lab.
  • I don’t want to talk about The Longest Yard.
  • I do have one apology. …I’m sorry for Dirty Work.
  • Wait: nobody remembers I produced a horror film. Let’s keep it that way, ‘kay?
  • Grown Ups 2 is actually just outtakes from Grown Ups, which was actually just outtakes from a BBQ I had.
  • I was as surprised as you that Milo Ventimiglia was funnier than me in That’s My Boy.
  • Don’t tell anybody, but Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo is my favorite film I’ve been involved with.
  • Remember when everybody thought I was going to be different after Punch-Drunk Love?
  • I originally wanted to call it Punch-Drunk Love 1.
  • “Spanglish” is actually the noise I make when I fart.
  • I woke up one morning and found the script for Little Nicky written in marker on my wall.
  • Click is soooo heartwarming, I just know you think!
  • Rob Schneider is actually of mixed Hawaiian/Chinese/Mexican descent, but is just wearing whiteface.
  • Rob Schneider is actually just me without makeup.
  • I once made out with Chris Farley. It was more fulfilling than any movie I’ve ever made.
  • I don’t really know why so many actresses think playing my love interests will help their careers.
  • I don’t know why The Master of Disguise was so awful. I thought Dana would nail that shit.
  • I don’t know why Mr. Deeds was so awful. I thought I would nail that shit.
  • If you’re looking to advertise your shit in my films, call me!
  • Directed by Dennis Dugan.
Discussion
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