By Leah Wahl & Mark Abraham· Oct 18, 2013
Mark: …if only Bambi’s mom had had really good life insurance, y’know?
Leah: “Sorry your mom died. But surprise! Your bank account has been twitterpated!”
Mark: Bambi wouldn’t have even had to fight Ronno.
He could’ve just hired an entourage to do his fighting for him.
Of, like, masked chipmunk wrestlers and possum ninjas.
Leah: Bambi: The Nouveau Riche Dick Who Turns Out to be Prince of the Forest.
Ronno wouldn’t have even tried.
With the type of capital, Bambi totally would have started a forest mob.
Mark: “Sorry, Dad. I’m tired of playing by your rules. I’ve got to get mine.”
Leah: Flower would only wear track suits.
Thumper would have at least 8 chains over his white t-shirt. Chewing on a toothpick.
Thumper would be Christopher Moltisanti.
But, like, even more annoying.
Mark: They would have just told that owl to shut the fuck up.
“We don’t have time for your stories, old man. We have to sell hash coils at the frozen pond.”
Flower’s blowing cigarillo smoke in old owl’s face.
“Love? I’ve got no time for love!”
Then they go for breakfast and ask for porridge with the oats removed.
Just because they can!
Later on, they die at the hands of an angry chipmunks and possums who haven’t been paid since Thumper became addicted to heroin.
Hustlers to the end, though.
Leah: What if Mrs. Jumbo had taken some anger management lessons?
She would have been able to prevent her son’s debilitating addiction to booze.
She would have warned him not to listen to those whinos up in that tree.
Mark: She probably just would have knocked that tree over.
Leah: Nah. She’s trying to channel her rage issues somewhere else.
Mark: Exactly. And once Dumbo learned how to fly she would have become one of those insufferable stage moms.
Nothing would have been good enough for precious little Dumbo.
And just to deal, Dumbo would probably have gained a debilitating addiction to cocaine instead.
Meanwhile, Ms. Jumbo is telling everybody that everything little Dumbo does is just fucking perfect.
Leah: Dumbo’s off yammering in the corner.
“White elephants / white elephants / I just need a little rush / ‘cause mommy’s making such a fuss / white elephants.”
Meanwhile, Timothy would become Dumbo’s posse and end up using his posse allowance to gamble with the crows. Who would totally school him, ‘cause Timothy is kind of dumb.
Mark: Requiem for an Elephant Management Team.
Leah: “You know mama loves nice things, D. You know what you gotta do to get them for us.”
Mark: I think it also would have been awesome if when Wendy’s dad told her that she should grow the fuck up already? She had said “you’re right” and slammed the window in Peter Pan’s face, causing him to fall to the traffic below.
Leah: The Adventures of Peter Pancake and Tinkerblot.
Mark: I always side with Captain Hook. Those kids were fucking annoying.
Leah: And super racist.
Mark: Yeesh, yeah. Like, it’s one thing to be super racist. It’s another to write a whole song about it.
Leah: What if Passamaquoddy was more like Salem and they has just burned Pete and Elliot at the stake?
Mark: What if the residents of Naboombu were all feral and just tore Eglantine, Emelius, Charlie, Carrie, and Paul to shreds?
Leah: …Angela Lansbury character names should always just be “Angela Lansbury.”
Mark: Uh oh. Murder She Wrote fans are going to try and fuck you up.
Leah: Come at me, JessF fans! I’m waiting!
…but so what if the “substitutiary locomotion spell” was really just a nuclear bomb?
Mark: Like, the locomotion it was substituting was atomic?
Leah: I dunno. Angela Lansbury fucks up some Nazis because it’s like the only think she’s ever wanted to do.
So maybe the spell she’s looking for is a big weapon, huh?
…and not a spell to make empty suits of armor do a stop motion dance.
OOOOOOH. That should strike fear in the hearts of enemies everywhere!
Mark: “Hey, kids! I invented a giant bomb!”
Leah: “Eat your fucking porridge, Paul, and shut the fuck up about not believing in magic.”
Mark: Do you think the British watched that film and were like, “shit! There is a lot of stuff on Portobello Road!”
Leah: I think I wish most of The Jungle Book was just Kaa digesting Mowgli.
…what were we talking about again?
Leah: Oh, yeah! That’s why you have to go get groceries.