THE
Big Bird.

Pantaloons

By Mark Abraham & Dom Sinacola · Nov 29, 2013

Dom: Twister was on the other day.
Do you remember 1996 CGI, Mark?

Mark: I remember not thinking it looked as bad as it actually does.

Dom: It looks totally real except the opposite.
It looks like the flying gremlin in Gremlins 2.

Mark: Like when it turned into a gargoyle?
Feuss.
“…oh.”

Dom: Fizzled.
Droopy. Like belly button sweat.
People are screaming at cows that look like they were rendered in MS Paint.
Imagine that workday: “drop shadow: 20px.” Enter.
(2 hours later.)
“Gaussian blur.” Enter.
(2 hours later.)
Lunch!
Those people got paid for cutting edge work!

Mark: I should have gotten paid for the absolute brilliance I was pulling off in Mario Paint in the 1990s.
But it’s weird, right?
All of our eyes are being trained to hate how stupid movies look.
20 years from now Avatar is going to look like Construx.
I assume.
I’ve never seen Avatar.
…and I guess I loved Construx.
I hope it looks like Construx!

Construx.

So much better!
Bwooooosh!
:D :D :D

Dom: Not a fan of James Cameron?

Mark: I dunno.
I guess I also haven’t seen Titanic.
He makes movies that are like NCIS to me.
…or any other CBS show.
Just no appeal.
I’ve seen snippets of Titanic on television and I can not comprehend why it was so popular.
It’s like The View without Joy Behar and Elizabeth Hassleback.

Dom: That’s how I feel about Twister.
Plus, I have an irrational hatred for Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton together.

Mark: Like, as love interests?
Or as scientists scrambling to pick up metal ball sensors that have spilled all over the road as an evil looking tornado bears down upon them? With cows and boats shooting out of it?

Dom: As anything.
Seriously. They are worse than, like, salt and vinegar chips when you have a cold.

Mark: I love how much of the dialogue is ADRed in that movie.
It’s really obvious that they’re yelling at each other in a studio.
“Slow down!”
“Speed up!”
“We have to go!”
The movie should have been called Backseat Driving in Poor Weather Conditions.
It probably was called that for its Russian release.

Dom: The yelling is very annoying.
Also annoying? Helen Hunt’s character wears these pants:

Helen Hunt.

Like, they’re not even pants, really.
They’re pantaloons.
They’re what modern day pirates would wear.

Mark: Frat brothers.

Dom: Engineering students.

Mark: Astronaut fans. Like, not actual astronauts, but the people who tail gate outside the fence when NASA launches space ships. The ones movies are always trying to make us think are aspirational evidence of the romance of space.

Dom: Single dudes who go to poker night at their married friends’ homes.

Mark: That one guy you know who really, really cares about barbecuing but only ever makes hamburgers, hot dogs, and steaks. Maybe the occasional pork chop.

Dom: Karate instructors.

Mark: Porn directors.

Dom: Those are pantaloons that say, “I’m outdoorsy and practical, but not too much. Like, I’m not going to a Phish concert or anything.”

Mark: If you wore those pants to a Phish concert everybody would keep asking you why you were so dressed up.

Dom: These pants locate you, Mark.
Pantaloonishly.
White collar, but not white collar enough to ever wear a suit.
Bill Paxton’s character wears jeans throughout the movie.
Him and Helen Hunt should not get back together at the end.
I feel strongly about this, pants-wise. They do not go together at all.

Mark: Oh! Remember the Hoe Down scene from Hannah Montana: The Movie?

Dom: …
…should I?

Mark: You know, Dom! When Miley Stewart decides that (pre-fame) special guest star Taylor Swift’s music is boring and so she gets up at open mic night—which apparently they hold in a barn in Crowley Corners, Tennessee—and treats the crowd to a country/hip hop hybrid party jam called “Hoedown Throwdown”?
And it is literally the worst thing ever.
Like, “literally” in the real definition of the word, so: “actually the worst thing ever”?
My point is that I can totally see the person who wrote this music lobotomy wearing those pants.

Dom: …

Mark: Dom!
Fine. Here:

Dom: OH MY GOD! STOP IT!
Imagine being an extra in that scene! Imagine having to smile and act like that was awesome for a whole day of shooting!
How many extra suicides were there that day?
83?
Hell is that, over and over and over.

Mark: Hell is polka dotted?

Dom: Neither Miley Cyrus, Miley Stewart, or Hannah Montana should ever rhyme “pop and lock it” with “polka dotted.”
This should be an Amendment to the Constitution. The 28th Amendment: Free Speech in all but this one particular thing.

Mark: Are you ready for your mind to be blown?
The best thing about Bangerz is that she doubles down on “Hoedown Throwdown” with “4×4,” which is a country/hip hop hybrid jam that features Nelly, and also the line “till we plum out of gas.” Or is it “plumb out of gas”?
Either way, it’s amazing.

It’s…astonishingly bad.
Plus, it’s the fourth track of Bangerz, so any hopes you had that Bangerz was going to be the album Cyrus keeps saying it is just die, three songs in.
Fuess.
“…oh.”

Dom: “Any hopes”?

Mark: I wanted to believe the hype, Dom.
I wanted Miley Cyrus to be like Robyn or something.
But a Robyn who had a Billy Ray Cyrus as a Dad.
Please don’t tell my achy breaky heart it didn’t work out.

Dom: Oh, I won’t.
But I might learn Nelly’s guest verse on “4×4” so I can casually quote lines from it during our regular conversations.
Because I am devilish.

Mark: You’re going to slip “straight up chick like twelve o’clock” into casual conversation?

Dom: I’m just going to call anything that’s erect “straight up like twelve o’clock.”
It’s a pretty metaphor.
It’s a dick joke.
It’s a compass point.
It’s a direction.
It’s a plane’s trajectory.
It’s what Paula Abdul meant.
It’s hip hop lingo that finally made its way onto white sitcoms in 1998.
It’s the Washington Monument.
It’s what you say when it’s actually 12:00. Either of them.

Mark: Word to Big Bird.
Where did that idiom come from?
It doesn’t even actually rhyme.

Dom: Sesame Street is the Rosetta Stone of ’90s youth culture.
It doesn’t even matter what things mean, ‘cause they mean, y’know?

Mark: Straight up.
Now tell me: would you wear a pair of Big Bird pantaloons?
Related question: what would be the occasion to which you would wear them?

Dom: You mean, like red with pink rings?
Yes.
I guess I would wear them to watch spaceships launch.
People would ask me about them, and while I ate all their perfectly cooked hot dogs and hamburgers I’d note that the rings looked like the cartoon exhaust trails that follow cartoon spaceships.
And people would be all, like, “check out this dude’s aspirational gams!”

Mark: …
I tried to find some for you, but they only have the sexy kind:

Big Bird costume.

Do you want to be sexy?

Dom: Big Bird is sexy like ’90s CGI is real-looking.

Mark: I’m sure Miley Cyrus is going to wear Big Bird as a hat sometime soon.

Dom: That’s probably what Nelly meant by “straight up chick.”

Mark: I bet Nelly just has a bunch of pre-recorded guest verses he sends out when people ask.
“The song’s called 4×4? Yeah! I got something. I mean…I can do something.”
Meanwhile, he’s wearing a pair of Helen Hunt’s pants.

Dom: Maybe Nelly knows whether it’s “plumb” or “plum.”
He is an expert on country grammar.

Mark: Oh! Dictionary publishers!
They totally wear those pants!

Discussion
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