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Taystee and Maria.

Orange is the New Black: Season 2

By Mark Abraham · Jul 25, 2013

We don’t know if these really count as spoilers, since the flashbacks on Orange is the New Black don’t really fill in plot details so much as they focus on character stuff, but with plenty of inmates left for us to get more info on we’ve got the scoop we know you want from season 2. We’ll find out that…

…Taystee’s name isn’t a pun for “tasty” at all, but rather a truncated portmanteau word smush for “Taylor Swift is the Everything Ever.” She doesn’t like Kanye West at all. She does, however, lurve singing along to “22.”

…Big Boo was actually a reputable veterinarian until she started giving poodles unasked-for haircuts that made them look hilarious. She really hates poodles.

…Lorna is getting married, that’s true, but her fiancé is actually Larry using a pseudonym. Turns out that Larry is actually a sort of rambling man who has families all over America. That’s how he stays relevant to the show.

…for example, Maria’s baby daddy is also Larry. She got pregnant during an atypically exuberant—for Larry—coital session. She doesn’t know that was right after the insecure Larry found out Piper used to be a lesbian.

…Crazy Eyes used to be a busker and stalwart community theater participant. She was always a dynamo at the annual bake sale. Also, she really misses her pet parakeet Petunia.

…Ms. Rosa doesn’t actually have cancer. Turns out she’s a very committed performance artist.

…Gloria was the sous chef at a hip, expensive restaurant in Manhattan. Yelp reviews have noted that the tamales have gone downhill lately, which is because Gloria is in prison now.

…Black Cindy was the keyboardist for the reunion tour of Deep Purple. No word yet on when we’ll meet White Cindy or Hispanic Cindy or Other Cindy or Golden Girl Cindy yet.

…Norma lost her voice as the vocalist for the reunion tour of Deep Purple. She performed “Child in Time” and “Space Trucking” better than anyone, though.

…Anita needs that breathing machine because she’s actually a cyborg. (This plot will just kind of be dropped though.)

…Chang is just as awesome as you’d expect.

…Maritza and Flaca were in a wicked TLC cover band. That’s where they got those sweet dance moves. Instead of dying, though, their Left-Eye snitched on them.

…Red didn’t actually go to jail for anything related to the mafia stuff we already know about. Instead, it’s either because she killed her lame husband or more likely because she has a compulsion to shoplift Dalton figurines whenever she gets the chance.

…Sister has a sister who isn’t a Sister and said sister is miffed that her sister is a Sister.

…Poussey isn’t actually French.

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