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Ineffectual Yelp Reviews #2

By Dom Sinacola · Apr 04, 2013

Raven & Rose
1331 SW Broadway
Portland, OR 97201
Neighborhoods: Southwest Portland, Downtown

“i got lost on the stairs”

Pizza Schmizza Pub and Grub
415 SW Montgomery
Portland, OR 97201
Neighborhoods: Southwest Portland, Downtown

“what is sports. and the staff was not helpful in answering my question”

Space Room Lounge
4800 SE Hawthorne Blvd
Portland, OR 97215
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Hawthorne, Richmond

“is this a human trafficking front. the staff was not helpful in answering my question”

Veritable Quandary
1220 SW 1st Ave
Portland, OR 97204
Neighborhoods: Southwest Portland, Downtown

“short on low-fat banana vanilla yogurt trust me i checked. i went into their kitchen.”

Mother’s Bistro & Bar
212 SW Stark St
Portland, OR 97204
Neighborhoods: Southwest Portland, Downtown

“i felt disappointed in myself”

Tasty n Sons
Hub Building
3808 N Williams Ave, Ste C
Portland, OR 97212
Neighborhoods: North Portland, Northeast Portland, Boise, Mississippi

“this is not a drag show”

Jam On Hawthorne
2229 SE Hawthorne Blvd
Portland, OR 97214
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Hawthorne, Hosford-Abernathy

“this is not a drag show”

Screen Door
2337 E Burnside St
Portland, OR 97214
Neighborhoods: Northeast Portland, Kerns

“when i told the hostess it would be funny to call this ‘skin door’ she smiled politely. i don’t know what a skin door is. but she doesn’t know that.”

Toro Bravo
120 NE Russell St
Portland, OR 97212
Neighborhoods: Northeast Portland, Eliot

“there is a god-shaped hole inside me. not emotionally. it is thru my arm.”

Secret Society Lounge
116 NE Russell St
Portland, OR 97255
Neighborhoods: Northeast Portland, Eliot

“i like to extend invitation to meet with us at convenience time place to explore a mutual partnering opportunity”

broder
2508 SE Clinton St
Portland, OR 97255
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Clinton, Hosford-Abernathy

“when i was 12 i put my leg through a plate glass window because i lost a regional spelling bee. i never forgot how to spell ‘scandanavian’. s**t”

St Jack
2039 SE Clinton St
Portland, OR 97202
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Clinton, Hosford-Abernathy

“remember me eddie? when i killed your brother? i talked…just…like…THIIISSSSSSSSS!”

Juniors Cafe
1742 SE 12th Ave
Portland, OR 97214
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Ladd’s Addition, Hosford-Abernathy

“not all of the cooks are named george foreman. only one is.”

Cricket Café
3159 SE Belmont St
Portland, OR 97214
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Belmont, Sunnyside

“that accent over the e is actually my eyelash. i taped it there.”

Utopia Cafe
3308 SE Belmont St
Portland, OR 97214
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Belmont, Sunnyside

“get the Thomasparagus More scramble”

Zell’s Cafe
1300 SE Morrison St
Portland, OR 97214
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Belmont, Buckman

“affordable zales on zpaghetti”

Detour Cafe
3035 SE Division St
Portland, OR 97202
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Clinton, Richmond

“up yer butt and around the corner”

Magic Gardens Restaurant & Lounge
217 NW 4th Ave
Portland, OR 97209
Neighborhood: Old Town – Chinatown

“not suitable for infants”

Sassy’s Bar & Grill
927 SE Morrison St
Portland, OR 97214
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Central Eastside, Buckman

“i enjoy peeing in the dark”

The Woodsman Tavern
4537 SE Division St
Portland, OR 97206
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Clinton, Richmond

“stared into this one trout’s milky dead eye for at least an hour. just me and the trout, no one else in the room existed. i never wanted to leave. also crazy water is a thing.”

The Landmark Saloon
4847 SE Division St
Portland, OR 97206
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Clinton, Richmond

“i carry a stapler in my purse. for security”

Ned Ludd
3925 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd
Portland, OR 97212
Neighborhoods: Northeast Portland, King

“once saw Carrie Brownstein here. not last night. but last night is what i’m reviewing. she was drinking tea, not beer. i drank beer. she is a much smaller person than i expected; my expectations regarding her height as compared to her actual height: three stars.”

Sapphire Hotel
5008 SE Hawthorne Blvd
Portland, OR 97215
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Mt. Tabor, Hawthorne

“this is in the former location of a brothel. but it has been cleaned since then”

Bar of the Gods
4801 SE Hawthorne Blvd
Portland, OR 97215
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Hawthorne, Sunnyside

“demeter walks into the bar of the gods and says ouch”

Migration Brewing
2828 NE Glisan St
Portland, OR 97232
Neighborhoods: Northeast Portland, Kerns

“a vivid dissection that mocked the strut of vivisection. semi-automatic colonies and a silencing that still walks the streets…BINGO!”

The Commons Brewery
1810 SE 10th Ave
Portland, OR 97214
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Central Eastside, Hosford-Abernathy

“no chairs, so i developed rhabdomyolysis and spent two days peeing out muscle tissue. not as bad as it sounds actually.”

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