By Dom Sinacola& Kaylen Hann · Oct 11, 2013
We join Dom and Kaylen talking about impressing people at the office.
Dom: Just beat ‘em over the head with genius.
That’s what I always say!
People are always like “stop saying that.”
Kaylen: I like to say, “slap them in the face with my monster genius dong.”
“My big daddy genius.”
Maybe I should take out the word “dong” in the former? But on the other hand? I just love the word “dong.”
Dom: I do too…
Kaylen: Dong-de-dong-dong-dong. Let me see that dooohhhooong.
Dom: OK! Rank your favorite penis euphemisms. And…
Kaylen: 10. Dong.
Wait…or are we just listing them like a Top 5?
Dom: As many as you can think of/use semi-regularly.
So, you can do a Top 5 if that’s what makes you feel comfortable.
This is all about what makes you feel comfortable.
Kaylen: 1. D.
5. Insufferable “Big Daddy” Variety Monster Cock.
I was just in a long meeting that was real boring. Had a bit to think about it.
Dom: Was it as hard as it was long?
Wait, is “Monster Cock” 6?
Is that a Top 6?
Kaylen: No, all of that is 5.
DEAL WITH IT.
Dom: We should have a power ranking, like March Madness? But only between us.
Dom: I actually might like “hog” the best, but I also feel like “dick” is my most-used, and so “dick” therefore wins.
Kaylen: Isn’t “hog” just a motorcycle?
Dom: …“cock” is also a rooster.
Kaylen: I might have unintentionally told a few people I’d get on/ride their penis.
Dom: That’s why words are fun!
Kaylen: I didn’t know “hog” was an option.
That might be my new #1.
I like it when dudes talk about them like they’re Irish or something too.
“Girl, get on m’dick.”
Dom: “Mahhhdick” sounds like a Middle Eastern dignitary.
“Mahhhdick” is probably Mark’s traditional Lebanese name before it got anglicized to “Mark.”
“M’dick” sounds like what would happen if Bebe the pig was the star in The Chronicles of Riddick.
Oh! Imagine that lil’ hog running away from the sun on that weird planet!
Kaylen: Speaking of. So. I went out with this guy I met while I was floor-licking drunk. At the time we got along swimmingly.
We went out, and he just seemed kind of weird about all of my jokes, etc.
End of date I’m like “LET’S MAKEOUT” and he was all “I mean: I’m really looking for a relationship and I like you, so let’s only makeout if you’re into that.”
And I was all “sure, sure, relationship—LET’S MAKEOUT.”
Dom: What does this have to do with The Chronicles of Riddick?
Was this guy Vin Diesel?
Kaylen: Bare with me, Dom!
After making out he confesses, “by the way I haven’t gotten a single reference you’ve made all night.”
And I was like “what now?”
And he looks at my bookcase and is all, “yeah I hate reading. And I don’t watch movies or TV. And I don’t really listen to music. Except [names some weird name].”
Then he puts [some weird name] on my speakers. Out comes this truly, truly awful pre-teen type Jewish rap music…
This man is almost 40.
He is into running. And ONLY INTO RUNNING.
And I told him it was truly, truly awful. So then this week, he asks if I want to go out again. I feel like I should never see him again.
Sidebar: does that make me an a-hole, or does that make me just reasonable because he wasn’t very forthcoming?
OH GOD I FORGOT “BONER.”
Dom: Nope. Dick-list votes are locked in. No mulligans.
Kaylen: Anyways. You date. Am I obligated to do a date #2? Or can I say, “we live in two different worlds, my friend. Farewell”?
Dom: Well…was it a good makeout sesh?
Kaylen: Meh…he’s handsy in a good way but I wasn’t wowed.
Then he tried to get me to listen to Born to Run on audio tape.
Dom: So then what about your date, before you discovered that he has no soul, did you like?
Kaylen: IDK, he has a cool hat.
That’s a good question. I think we were just talking about shit at the bar, and he had a few life stories. Then I made fun of him for being vegan.
He took it like a champ.
Which is why BBQ Bebe made me think about it.
Dom: He sounds like the absolute worst.
No date #2.
Being vegan even some of the time is why I fired Mark.
(All of his articles are now written by Mark Headroom. I think it’s a vast improvement.)
But your guy sounds way worse!
Kaylen: Oh, he is the worst. He would never leave the next morning and, like, we went for breakfast and he judged every single runner that ran by.
Which were: a LOT.
Dom: Like: “bad form, bro.”
“Stop clenching your fists you Neanderthal!”
Kaylen: Then he kept stealing bits of my breakfast lettuce and saying, “wow! This lettuce is so hardy. It’s so hardy I swear this lettuce is as good as hamburger for me.”
I just told him he was big time lying to his own face.
Then he came to a pizza party of mine that night and was a dillhole.
Dom: “This dillhole is so sweet, I swear it’s as good as an ice cream sundae for me.”
Kaylen: I was making balloon animals with a friend and he immediately got the wrong impression, got super drunk, started glaring at me, then approached me while I was talking to people and loudly said, “IT’S OKAY, YOU CAN JUST FUCK THAT GUY.”
Dom: He sounds like he’s a very stable person who deserves someone like you.
You should just tell him you want to skip to pre-engagement.
Get him a promise ring.
Kaylen: He came up afterwards and was like “I’m sorry, I’m just jealous but that’s a really good sign. It means I really like you.”
And I was like “IS IT THO…?”
Dom: I think that you should be asking yourself why he likes you, and not the other way around.
Kaylen: Well yeah. I was pretty surprised he asked me out again.
I was basically like “can’t you just BE COOL and EAT SOME BBQ HOG?” the whole time.
Dom: He may have taken that the wrong way. See: earlier in this conversation.
Kaylen: He asked if I liked hiking and I was like, “yeah OK that’s just walking. Sure. Nature’s the tits.”
And then he was like “Great, we can wake up at 4 AM tomorrow, jog for two miles, then go hiking up this mountain….”
And I was like “stop…please stop.”
Dom: “I hate you. I hope your penis is large.”
Kaylen: And really, it’s nothing to brag about.
Dom: I’d say it’s “nothing to write home about,” but he’s not into reading or words.
Dom: I’m glad I’m so clever.
Kaylen: It’s ‘cause you read books. And listen to music. And do things other human beings enjoy.
Dom: WAIT. I just thought of something. Does he run in complete silence?
Or is he the kind of twatty person who’d be all, “the sound of the city is my running music”?
Kaylen: The twatty one. He is really into how things feel under his feet.
He’s getting into barefoot running.
Dom: So he likes how syringes and used condoms feel.
Kaylen: He claims he can run over broken glass.
Dom: Did you tell him that’s a great Annie Lennox song?
He’d be all “Annie Who-see-whatsit?”
Kaylen: …OH GOD I FORGOT “KNOB” TOO!