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Damper Giveaway #1: Giant Banner with "MICRO PEEN" Written in Sans Serif Font

By Dom Sinacola · Mar 05, 2013

Last May I hosted two friends’ joint 30th birthday party. Accompanying a BLT bar (with two different kinds of mayo!), two kegs, a shitload (literally) of tequila, two bands playing two long sets, a projector for Wii’ng Super Mario World using an eight-inch Mario against a blank wall, which was shone directly in the way of folks heading for the BLT bar—which was an unfortunate but inevitable sacrifice to make in arranging the many epic stations of each person’s steadily more difficult climb towards Intoxicated Golgotha—in the midst of all this unadulterated, pointless fun, was, greeting attendees by hanging from the wall directly facing the front door, this black-and-white, 8’10” x 3’ paper banner:

Spider-man is not actual size.

In case you’re illiterate…or you’re actually quite skilled at reading and still, when staring at those letters, are unable to bring your brain to decipher the words those letters are supposed to make, this is what it says:

MICRO PEEN

That’s it. I never asked what it meant; it wasn’t my birthday after all, and it wasn’t even my idea to get a giant banner printed with the word “MICRO PEEN” on it. Which is probably a misnomer anyway, because I doubt micropeen is actually a word. I mean, if I had my druthers, I’d get an 8’10” x 3’ banner probably printed with:

WIPE OFF YOUR SHOES, PLEASE

…or:

IT’S NOT ACCEPTABLE TO PUT YOUR CIGARETTES OUT ON THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE

Granted, the latter would probably make the banner longer than almost nine feet—but so also when did it start becoming a reasonable thing to do to put out a flaming stick of tar on the side of a white house? That’s what the coffee can is there for, you inconsiderate beautiful young people, you.

Anyway, in the next day’s aftermath after the previous night’s bacchanalia, all that was left—after lifting the vanquished kegs in dismay and wandering out to the porch to discover this…

…I was dismayed, or elated, or…something…to discover that MICRO PEEN still hung in the foyer. No one took it, and no one asked about it; apparently, despite having no desire to commission it in the first place, being, as I was, more of a proponent of utilitarian, polite banners, MICRO PEEN was mine.

MICRO PEEN is not conducive to living room decor; there’s pretty much nowhere in one’s living room or kitchen that one can hang a giant white banner that has “MICRO PEEN” printed on it. For that matter, MICRO PEEN is inappropriate for any wall in my home. I’m turning 30 soon, and I sincerely doubt that a massive, stentorian sign declaring my “MICRO PEEN” will help endear me to anyone I’d like to bring home—not to mention if it was hanging in my bedroom, which is both the best and worst place to have MICRO PEEN displayed, as it’s conveniently out of the way of typical apartment foot traffic, but it is where I’d like to end up with someone who would then, I hope, find that the sign is, in fact, not correct.

Person I’d like to be naked with: Why is there a giant banner with ‘MICRO PEEN’ written on it hanging above your bed?

Me: Is it distracting?

Person I’d like to be naked with:

Me: Well, it’s not true. I mean, you’ll find out in a second if you just stop talki—

Person I’d like to be naked with: I don’t even care if it’s true or not. This makes me sad in my downstairs area. Good work, adult male.

So in my closet it sits, which…just seems like such a shame. Right? So here’s where you come in.

We want to give you the MICRO PEEN banner! Because there literally exists no other banner on this planet like it, unless after reading this you create your own. But why create your own when you can have ours? And also: our MICRO PEEN banner comes signed by both bands that played that night (Portland’s own Bleach Blonde Dudes and Babysoft), by me, by Mark Abraham if you’d like, and—get this—by one celebrity of your choice. Seriously: we’ll track down whomever you want, as long as he or she is still alive, and get him or her to sign this giant MICRO PEEN banner.1 Johnny Marr? Mayor Sam Adams? The cast of Grimm? Colin Meloy? (Portland celebrities are easiest, frankly.) Whatever that terrible heart of yours desires!

All you have to do is write in the comment section below, tweet at us ( @thedamper + #micropeen), or post on our Facebook wall with a brief reason as to why you deserve the giant collector’s MICRO PEEN banner, and which celebrity you’d choose to sign it.

We’ll pick our winners in one week, and I will personally send you the signed MICRO PEEN banner in a really super protective cardboard tube, sanctioned and approved by the U.S. Postal Service. Because we know our readers would have it no other way.

Git to gittin’!

Notes:
1 Celebrity signatures may be ludicrously forged.

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