By Dom Sinacola& Kaylen Hann · Nov 01, 2013
Dom: So, yesterday was Halloween…
Kaylen: …I’m aware.
Dom: I’m assuming you went out, dressed up, painted the town redder than you’d normally paint it.
Kaylen: Oh, because of blood. I get it.
Kaylen: You’re right though. Are you going to ask me what I dressed up as, I’m assuming?
Why does it always take you so long to ask the most basic questions?
You’re like the commercial break before Carson Daly announces something rudimentary on The Voice.
Actually, you’re like the commercial break before the last two minutes of any reality show.
Dom: If only you’d told me that before I got my costume.
Kaylen: Can I guess what you ended up going as?
Dom: You’re going to anyway.
Kaylen: You went as…a disappointment to your mother?
A giant walking, talking nose.
An ugly Jake Gyllenhaal.
A failed writer.
Someone who will be alone forever.
Super Mario? No, Wario? You’re not tall enough for Luigi…
That poor guy.
I wonder if anyone on Planet Earth has ever gone as Stephen Tobolowsky for Halloween. Stephen Tobolowsky probably hasn’t, even when he stayed home on Halloween, turned off the porch light, and just put on a pair of sweatpants.
Kaylen: Yeah, but it’s not like any one of us would ever go as ourselves for Halloween. That’s more like a punchline to a sitcom than something even the worst egoist you know would do. Because a costume represents a fantasy. Being the unattainable. Even an egoist would recognize that, and wouldn’t see how being something like a ninja or an old-timey Hollywood director would represent a slight to the egoist’s regular awesome self.
Dom: I think on Full House Uncle Jesse once went as himself for Halloween.
Kaylen: Yeah, but like the best version of himself: the one with a leather three-piece suit and bolo tie.
Dom: Right, so Stephen Tobolowsky is sitting in his garage, perched on the edge of a wooden stool, the only light the little bulb above his tool bench, which is—of course—mostly devoid of actual tools, and he’s got a resigned look on his pear-shaped face because he realizes that he can’t even think of what the best version of him would be like.
Kaylen: Which is why I wore a wolf mask and two gold chains: one with a big dollar sign and one that read “TRUST NO BITCH.” At first I was going to ask you which chain I should wear, but then I know you’d be like, “Um, both.”
Dom: That does sound like how I’d be like.
Kaylen: I also considered a tiger. But I was pretty much sold on the wolf mask. I think that really fits my whole steez and mindset lately. Even then I had to decide between kinds of wolf masks. Scary wolf or something more classy-like?
Dom: Like Rolf from The Muppets?
Kaylen: No, one that makes me look like a cool person.
At that point I was going to be Tween Wolf. And do like a wolf mask, but wear a One Direction shirt and get a hello kitty cover for my iphone… And then I though maybe I’d just be a cool wolf…
Dom: Like, a wolf with a jean jacket?
Kaylen: “Secretly I’m just going as someone who might be cool.”
My roommate has a NASA rain jacket. I considered wearing that.
I would’ve just confused the shit out of people.
Dom: A rain jacket? Like a poncho? I think then you’d be more like “spaceship maintenance wolf.”
Kaylen: Nah, a jacket covered with shiny gunmetal plastic, or something of the sort. And then a NASA logo.
Obviously I decided against it just went with the chains.
And it was a surprising hit at work!
I thought I’d have to tape off the other letters in the “bitch” necklace but it was just…flying.
Dom: Getting all those sexy lupine stares from fellas by the water cooler.
Kaylen: …ugh, and the mask did not breathe at all. I was burning up.
Guess what material it’s made of.
Dom: Um, wolf fur?
Kaylen: GIRLFRIEND MATERIAL!
I had my cards read by the receptionist who went as a psychic/gypsy-type person yesterday.
I was like “Tell me my future. Are there cuties?”
Two were good but then the future one was all “You will fail—quit while you’re ahead.”
Dom: You should’ve done what I always do in situations like that: violently swipe everything off of the table. Then holler something about defying fate.
Kaylen: “READ THEM AGAIN.”
Dom: “I JUST CHANGED EVERYTHING.”