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50 Implements I'm Willing To Use To Clean Out My Ears

By Dom Sinacola · Nov 07, 2013
  1. Pen cap
  2. House key
  3. Unbent paperclip
  4. Q-tip
  5. Q-tip (the rapper, metaphorically)
  6. Frozen green bean
  7. French fry
  8. Cheeto
  9. Cactus needle
  10. Crazy straw
  11. Sane straw
  12. Edge of a rolled-up pamphlet
  13. A slightly unwrapped roll of Smarties
  14. Chopstick covered in a Kleenex
  15. Chopstick, bare
  16. Plastic end of a shoelace
  17. Paintbrush
  18. Sharp end of a parrot’s wing
  19. Male plug end of a pair of headphones
  20. My pinky finger
  21. The finger I just used to clean out my nose
  22. Ryan Gosling’s pinky finger
  23. The finger I just used to clean out Ryan Gosling’s nose
  24. Chicken finger
  25. Coke nail
  26. Pussywillow
  27. End of a conical cardboard birthday hat
  28. End of a witch’s hat
  29. End of a KKK member’s hood (especially that; really get a good sense of how much detritus you’re extricating on all that white)
  30. My toothbrush
  31. Your toothbrush, when you let me use your bathroom
  32. Your cat’s tail, when you let me pet her
  33. Your rock-hard dreadlock, when you let me pet it
  34. Refrigerator magnet shaped like the state of Oklahoma
  35. Marionette’s hand
  36. GI Joe action figure’s whole arm
  37. Leprechaun’s hand
  38. Pair of sunglasses, or eyeglasses
  39. Tiny dildo, preferably ribbed
  40. Mouse, lured by a piece of cheese crammed in my ear canal
  41. Chess piece, probably the bishop or the queen
  42. Green onion
  43. Bottle of sriracha
  44. Golf pencil
  45. Trumpet mouthpiece
  46. TV bunny ears
  47. Mascara applicator
  48. Heel from a fancy pair of pumps
  49. Duck dick
  50. Moonbeam
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